Movie Review - Superhero Movie

The movie starts with a Spiderman spoof which is your introduction to Rick Riker (played by Drake Bell of "Drake & Josh" fame, personally I'd have given the movie to Josh who is much funnier) and the "Rick Punchers" joke is lifted right out of Airplane so the writers were obviously already scraping the barrel for ideas for this film. Rick's class is on a science trip to The Amalgamated Genetics lab and this is where we get to meet the 1st star name in the film, Brent Spiner (Data in Star Trek TNG) playing Dr Strom. Rick is bitten by a genetically modified dragonfly which is where his powers come from.

We meet our next big star names at Rick's home, his Aunt Lucille (Marion Ross of Happy Days fame) & Uncle Albert (Leslie Nielson of Airplane, Police Squad & Naked Gun fame). And we're introduced to Carlson on the Amalgamated Board of Directors (Dan Castellaneta from The Simpsons) who is then very promptly killed. We're told Rick has slept for 5 days & get some cheap, crappy sexually orientated scenes designed to get the teen male audience paying attention. The Stephen Hawking lookalike's scene is painful to watch and is really a bad idea that doesn't work and isn't remotely funny.

We get another Spiderman spoof (Rick catching the girl and all the planets) but the movie should end right there as Jill was hit in the head by a falling bowling ball which would have broken her skull and killed her stone dead. You get to see Rick's 1st powers emerge (gripping ability & speed) then his 1st rescue which goes very wrong. We also get an incest reference which is in very poor taste indeed. We get a flashback and a Batman spoof in which we discover Rick is solely responsible for the death of his parents. Spoofing Spiderman again Ricks Uncle is shot with Jeffrey Tambor (from Hellboy) playing the Hospital Doctor. We then get an X-men spoof (done very badly as Patrick Stewart is about as white as they come), Barry Bonds is played by yet another lookalike.

We meet Invisible Girl (played by Pamela Anderson looking stunning in her costume!). Ricks 1st outing in his costume (once he fixes his ability to see & breath through it) is another Batman spoof. The Tom Cruise Youtube interview clip is played by yet another lookalike (and not a very good one at that). There are lots of modern references like Youtube, Facebook & Wikipedia all showing that the movie is set in modern day. There's a very weak gay joke (never a good idea to do those either) when Jill is helping Aunt Lucille make Thanksgiving dinner and the pissing scene isn't very funny, just infantile.

The Aunt farting scene isn't particularly funny, just incredibly childish. Anyone finding it funny must have a mental age of about 12. She's killed and then we have a really bad necrophilia joke (is there no topic these people won't try to use to get a cheap laugh out of?) at her funeral, and the even worse cremation joke.

We get the 2 worst lookalikes in the whole movie (Prince Charles & Nelson Mandela) at the awards ceremony and if you didn't already know how infantile or stupidly lowbrow this movie is Landers wins the "Douchebag Of The Year" award. Landers is revealed as The Hourglass (in a really bad scene where the same girl manages to run past Jill twice in the same direction).

Obviously The Hourglass is foiled, Jill is rescued from certain death and the only funny scene in the whole movie is the final one.

My Weekly TNA Catch-up, Impact 24th Jul 08

Show opens with Samoa Joe & Kevin Nash walking through the crowd & getting into the ring (they have the cage known as "the 6 sides of steel" up!). I assume the cage segment was prefilmed as it was gone for the rest of the show.

4 way Match, Jimmy Rave vs Consequences Creed vs Johnny Devine vs Eric Young. This was everybody in the ring at once with 1st pin or submission getting the win. Devine was on top from the get go with Creed (who'd gone from main event to curtain jerker in 1 week, what a comedown!) getting all his attention. Creed was getting beaten on by pretty much everybody (I'm not sure if this is his new strategy to getting over?). Creed made a nice ddt on Lance Rock while Devine & Rave were distracting the ref then made a nice suicide dive onto them right afterwards. Rave hit Creed with his "Rock The World" which looked amazing & was sold really well. Creed took the eventual win off Devine in a very decent match where everyone got a good chance to be over. The post match beatdown on Creed by Devine and The Rock & Rave Infection was obviously part of his new push and Abyss came out to save Creed from a chairshot.

Karen's Angle with Kaz as her 1st guest. BORING!

Matt Morgan vs Kory Chavis (ROH alum with Jimmy Rave, IWA alum with Chris Sabin & Samoa Joe, NWA Tag Champ with Homicide, PWE Alum with Raven, Elix Skipper & Low Ki so this chap has been around, he was even So Cal val's bodyguard in Full Impact Pro). Chavis was obviously told to job in no uncertain terms here which is sad as his resume leads me to believe he might have made a decent match against Morgan. He sold everything Morgan did & only got to hit Morgan twice with 2 punches during the whole match. Morgan finished using a move they called "The Hellavator" to get the predictable win.

Tag Team Strap Match, Beer Money vs The Motor City Machine Guns. The Guns are now favouring their new Japanese style ringwear which they debuted at the last ppv. Basically this is Shelley tethered to Storm & Sabin tethered to Roode with each guy connected at 1 wrist and about 7 feet of slack separating them. The Guns were giving a lesson in how a good tagteam works together with Beer Money selling well and Jaqueline running her usual interference for Beer Money. Roode took the eventual win after a c***py ref bump, interference where Jacqueline gave Storm handcuffs and he hit Sabin when the ref was outside the ring. Poor Russo finish after such a good quality match by the Guns.

Knockout Championship, Velvet Sky (with Angelina Love) vs Taylor Wilde. Sky earned her shot by winning the 10 woman Gauntlet match last week. Wilde took the win in possibly the fastest match in TNA history after running up behind Sky and grabbing her in a rollover. Sky was annoyed and Wilde decided to show her she could do it again. Wilde won with a nice bridge and took another win after already defending the title in 5 seconds then defending the title a 2nd time in 25 seconds. Love is annoyed this time and bets Wilde $5000 of her own money she can't beat Sky a 3rd time. Wilde had the match won after putting Sky into a bridge suplex until Love came in to make the save and the ref threw it out as a DQ for outside interference. Love was punching Wilde for all she was worth, clearly the fans chanting "ODB" have never watched TNA as its recently been Roxxi who saves Wilde from whatever danger. Clearly someone backstage heard that chant as they sent Gail Kim & ODB out to duke it out with Love & Sky.

Video insert from Daivari who has now changed his name to Sheik Abdul Bashir (I assume WWE were bitching about copyright).

Video insert from "the hospital" (obviously a room in the Impact Zone somewhere) with Sonjay Dutt & So Cal Val.

6 Man 5 Table Elimination Match - Team 3D & Kurt Angle vs Rhino, Christian Cage & AJ Styles. The rules are simple, if you get put through a table you are out of the match & the last man left wins for his team. Cage started things off with Angle in the ring but Team Cage jumped Team Angle at the bell to gain an advantage. This was action everywhere, bth in and out of the ring. Devon was 1st eliminated by Cage & Rhino. During a badly timed break (aren't they always?) Rhino eliminated himself after trying a gore on Angle who sidestepped & Rhino put himself through a table. Cage was 3rd to go as Devon helped 3D Cage through a table as Angle distracted Ref Hebner away from the illegal doubleteam. After interference from Johnny Devine (with Devine "accidently blinding" Brother Ray with chalk powder) who got put through a table by Ray thinking he was Styles. Angle knocked Brother Ray off the apron into a table and eliminated him. We had Angle giving Hebner a badly oversold Ref Bump. Chants of "Lets go AJ" & "Lets go Angle" were exactly even so both guys were getting great reactions from the Impact Zone fans. Frank Trigg hitting Styles with the kendo stick as he climbed the turnbuckle to dive onto Angle who was layed out flat on a table (a Russo finish no doubt) was a really bad idea again, Angle put Styles through the same table with an Olympic slam and Hebner had "revived" enough to declare Angle the winner for his team. This is the 2nd match Trigg has interfered with and it's about time he got into the ring and had an actual match against Styles as he's now screwed him & his team out of 2 victories.

Booker T & Sharmell come out to invite Samoa Joe to sign a contract to include tables, ladders & chairs in their cage match at the upcoming Hard Justice PPV. Joe comes out with Kevin Nash. Booker asks Joe to send Nash backstage, Joe responds by insisting Sharmell should leave too. After Nash & Sharmell have left Booker signs the contract & passes it to Joe then the lights go & Stings music plays. When the lights come up Joe has been "knocked out" & Booker is holding one of Sting's trademark bats. Sting was never seen, I assume Booker had been carrying the bat in his robe or someone in the ring crew gave it to him when the lights went off. Unlike West & Tenay, I don't assume Sting has done something just because his music played, the lights went out or someone is holding a black baseball bat.

Movie Review - No Country for Old Men

I'd like to rank this amongst some of the worst films I've ever seen. Imagine a 3 hour long film with no introduction or ending, in other words your only watching the middle of a film.

The film is very difficult to follow, characters are never really established enough for you to get to know them or feel any affinity for them. The only real known names in the film are Tommy Lee Jones playing Sheriff Ed Tom Bell (who you hardly ever see) & Woody Harrelson playing
Carson Wells (who is in no more than 5 scenes). The main characters are Javier Bardem playing Anton Chigurh (who I've never heard of) & Josh Brolin (playing Llewelyn Moss) who is only famous for being the son of James Brolin.

Some how this pile of rubbish managed to win 4 Academy Awards (Best Picture which made me laugh - it must have been up against some right utter trash, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay which is also laughable because essentially all they did was film the book this movie
is based on & it also won best supporting actor for Javier Bardem) & I wondered if the Acedmy were watching the same movie I was.

If the book is the same as the film then I'm surprised it was ever made into a movie as it's a very poor story indeed. The basic idea is good enough, that a man accidentally finds money & drugs after a drug sale goes wrong & everyone involved gets killed. Moss doesn't want the drugs
but he does take the money but the people who were behind buying the drugs want their money back.

Basically the rest of the film is a chase movie from that point onwards with Moss & everyone close to his life being pursued by the man hired to retrieve the money by the people who were buying the drugs who is killing anyone in his way on the journey.

Ed Tom Bell is the local sheriff from the town near where the drug sale went wrong & he is tracking Chigurh who is searching for the money stolen by Moss. The pursuit is long & violent, pretty mindless & quite boring. You can't just expect a movie to be good because 1 guy is
killing a lot of people, it has to have an actual story or protagonists you know or care about.

And thats where the movie suffers, never knowing enough about Moss's character. With Bell we at least get a bit of insight into who he is from his voice-overs & scenes with his wife & employees but he's not the lead or even the 2nd lead character & we never get told enough about either of them. We learn almost nothing about Chigurh's character, only a short scene where Wells is hired to find & stop Chigurh (even the reasons behind this are never fully explained).

The ending of the movie is also very weak & difficult to understand. Apparently Moss is killed (I didn't even realise this, thats how hard the film is to follow!), we never know if Moss's wife lives or what happens to the money. We never know how Moss's mother in law dies, who hit Chigurh's car & why. The film ends very badly, Chigurh walking away from a car accident & Bell wondering how he'll pass the time now he has retired.

Not recommended as there is no start or actual end to the movie.

Movie Review - Meet Dave

Basically this takes the worst ideas from Men In Black, Inner Space & Honey, I Shrunk The Kids then throws in Eddie Murphy who is very off form with an extremely poor script but some killer special effects. It's not a bad film, it was just released at totally the wrong time going up against movies like Hancock which is a very similar idea but just as bad a movie.

Ok, we're thrown into the movie very quickly but it jumps the shark just as quickly. If Dave can self repair within seconds after falling through the atmosphere why can't he self repair in seconds after getting hit by a car? Was that Avril Lavigne at the Apple store sitting at the counter in a cameo?

Eddie Murphy plays Dave, a spaceship that crash lands on Earth looking for a missing artifact from their planet. The ship is inhabited by tiny lifeforms who have come for a sphere which they hope to use in Earths ocean to extract salt which their planet needs. Over the course of the movie the people inside Dave learn more about Earth, its people & their habits.

The crew of Dave are changed by their time on Earth but its an idea that's been used many times & isn't improved open here at all. Dave's crew do eventually decide not to use the device to take Earths salt from the sea (after being hijacked by the ships 2nd in command who grew weary & angry of the crew having changed & been influenced by their time on Earth). The film isn't great & it is left far too open & didn't do a good enough job of covering the ideas it was addressing. It's a harmless enough movie & can be enjoyed if the brain is disengaged.

Movie Review - Hellboy 2, The Golden Army

For a film that looked so great in the trailers, this is incredibly awful.

It was nice that they used John Hurt to play a younger version of Father. It was annoying that they completely wrote out the young agent from the 1st movie who is only mentioned as "having been sent to the Arctic" and thats it.

We get a new member of the team but I really hate him so won't mention him any further. Jeffery Tambor plays his role as annoying agent in charge very well. The new enemies look incredibly bad (Someone nicked their ideas from the Elves of LOTR & The Wraith of Stargate Atlantis).

Basically this is Hellboy & friends trying to stop these baddies finding 3 parts of a crown that gives them access to an unbeatable army. It's a crap plot, pacing is awful & the film feels at least 200 minutes too long. Putting the end sequence on top of clockwork echoes the end of the 1st film too much, almost like they didn't have any new ideas.

All the fight sequences are rubbish & very overdone, the movie just tries too hard.

The original was a much better movie, Avoid this.

Movie Review - Starship Troopers 3: Marauder

It might have Paul Verhoven's name on it. It might have Casper Van Diem making a welcome return as Johnny Rico. It might have Jolene Blalock adding the sci-fi clout of both Star Trek - Enterprise & Stargate SG1. It might even have Amanda Donahoe looking as hot as hell & playing an awesomely bad leader (Admiral Enolo Phid).

But it's still awful. It was released straight to dvd (always a bad sign), it has incredibly rubbish new bugs ( the attack of one which I debunked in seconds, the god awful Bomb Bug). For lots of the movie it plays up its camp appeal, it has its tongue firmly in its cheek far too often to be taken seriously by any viewer.

Add some bad plot ideas about religion, freedom & conspiracies & it makes for a pretty awful movie. Feel free to draw comparisons to things like Half Life 2 (the bugs in the sand are an idea obviously stolen from the game) & try to ignore how incredibly plastic both the guns & the acting look as well. Rico's new friend Dix Hauser is obviously a role that was written for Neil Patrick Harris that he very wisely turned down.

The whole idea of The Sky Marshall's religious conversion was really bad, it was pretty obvious he was the person who had turned off the base power near the start of the movie. You can also tell whoever wrote this knows nothing about military discipline as Lola could have shot Jingo for sedition any number of times when they crashed landed for most of the things he said to her & the way he said them.

Theres the standard gratuitous nude scene (did they seriously think we weren't going to recognise the scanner as the "Martian" sound effect from War Of The Worlds?) which I assume they are hoping to sell the entire movie on. There's also a throwaway line which is supposed to explain why The Sky Marshall is insane (too much exposure to a Brain Bug) & you have to question why Lola doesn't kill The Sky Marshall straight away (as a traitor) as soon as he reveals his god to be a Bug.

Asking Holly why she should kill him is a question that answers itself, he's a traitor which is an instant death sentance in their society & culture. Surely Lola would know that? Once the Brain Of Brains appears the movie has well & truly jumped the shark & they aren't even trying with the special effects any more (its the worst looking part of the whole film). Showing the lights of the incoming marauders as a halo around Holly's head & forcing Lola to pray (Jolene Blalock looks genuinely pissed off at having to do this in this scene!) but you do have ask why the fireball that destroys it doesn't kill Lola or Holly as well.

The CG battle between the bugs and the marauders is awful, it looks cheap (we're talking circa Quake 2 graphics cheap) & is done incredibly badly using slow motion and superimposing Holly & Lola praying over shots of the battle is the director trying to say that combat against an enemy is justified if done in the name of religion. Even worse is the shot of Holly shrouded in the blue blanket (trying to emulate the image of The Virgin Mary) which if the movie hasn't already been ruined for you this just adds to the sheer awfulness.

Having Dix & Lola blocking the shot of the planet exploding just goes to show how nervous the makers of this film were about their special effects, you'd think that was the 1 explosion they would have wanted us to see! Rico's court-martial & execution are forgotten & glossed over too easily, it also saddened me that they tried to ape JFK's funeral by having the Sky Marshall's son do a (very bad) salute. Too many loose ends are left open at the end of this, Dix's betrayal of Phid, Phid having faked messages from The Sky Marshall & concealed his disappearance, Rico's execution & court martial.

If you want to see someone ruin the entire Starship Troopers franchise without even trying the watch this excuse for a film. It's awful!

My TNA Catch-up, Victory Road PPV 08

From the Reliant Arena, Houston Texas. Were we seeing the beginning of a possible career as a colour commentator for BG James?

World X Cup Match 3rd Round, 12 Man Elimination Tag Team Match. Team Japan (Masato Yoshino, Puma & Milano Collection A.T.) vs Team Mexico (Averno, Rey Bucanero & Ultimo Guerrero) vs Team International (Alex Koslov,Doug Williams & Tyson Dux) vs Team TNA (Curry Man & The Motor City Machine Guns). Yoshino & Curry Man kicked things off. This was fast & frantic, lots of good action, everyone was getting over in a big way. Rey Bucanero made the 1st pin to eliminate Tyson Dux (in a variant of a powerbomb that looked real nasty but Dux sold it really well making it look a lot more painful than it actually was). Next to go was Puma pinned by Averno who we were seeing for the 1st time in the X Cup this year. The Houston crowd were showing their wrestling knowledge by chanting "Fallen Angel" when Curry Man made the save on The Motor City Machine Guns who were both being put in a leglock by Milano Collection A.T, nice to see they know their stuff.

Milano Collection A.T. was next to go after being pinned by Chris Sabin using the Cradle Shock. Averno was next to go after being pinned by Masato Yoshino. Curry Man was eliminated next by Ultimo Guerrero who stopped his Hurricanrana & powerbombed him off the top turnbuckle. Doug Williams was next to go off a twisting Senton by Rey Bucanero. Ultimo Guerrero was next to go after tapping out to Alex Kozlov (For those who didn't see it, he was waggling his hand. I assume thats a Mexican tap out signal). Rey Bucanero was next to go after being pinned by Chris Sabin. The only flubbed moves I saw during this entire match were Alex Shelley's 1st attempt at the jaw breaker on Masato Yoshino (either Yoshino wasn't ready, Kozlov wasn't comfortable in that position or Shelley screwed up the grab. After watching it 3 times, Shelley slipped on Kozlov's back & can thank Yoshino for saving that move) & Alex Kozlov using the ropes for leverage (he totally f***ed that up both times he tried it due to poor ring positioning) which lead to Chris Sabin being pinned by Alex Kozlov.

Kozlov redeemed himself moments later with a somersault suicide dive followed by an awesome Pele which lead to him getting a good 2 count on Yoshino. Alex Kozlov was eliminated by Masato Yoshino after tapping out to some sort of modified head scissors lock which meant Team International scored 1 point. Shelley & Yoshino had a excellent little battle alone at the end but Shelley got the pin to earn Team TNA 3 points & Yoshino earnt Team Japan 2 points. Awesome match & an incredible way to start a PPV.

Knockouts Grudge Match, Angelina Love (with Velvet Sky in tow as per usual) vs Gail Kim. Love jumped Kim as she was waving to the crowd & was on top for a short time. On the whole this was a pretty even match, Sky giving the usual expected interference from outside. Kim was selling & over-selling for Love, putting her over a lot during the course of this match. Somewhere during this match part of Angelina Love's costume broke as half her top was hanging off & she was constantly having to re-adjust her top & kept checking she wasn't falling out of it. Kim got the win off a handcuff backbreaker. I assume Love called to end this early due to the wardrobe malfunction as she was try to retie it when Sky jumped Kim during her post match celebration.

Grudge Match, Sonjay Dutt vs Jay Lethal. I hope after this match is over & done with that at least 1 of these guys gets to drop their awful gimmick as both of them are a lot better than this. Basically this is TNA's reworking of WWF's "Mega Powers Explode" match with Lethal as Randy Savage (mirroring his clothes, gimmick & So Cal Val as valet) & Sonjay Dutt as Hulk Hogan (who even wore a Hogan style Bandana during the ppv match). This was an average match, neither guy was brilliant but it was really brought down by the awful finish with Val distracting Lethal & Dutt taking the win with a lot of help from the ring ropes. Russo at work once again I think.

Tag Team Championship, Fans Revenge Match. Basically this is a leather strap lumberjack match with "fans" acting as the lumberjacks. I assume most if not all the "fans" are going to be jobbers (in fact when they introduced the fans I'm certain I recognised at least 1 of the women as someone who has put themself forward for the Awesome Kong Challenge before). Beer Money vs LAX. Not a great match, not even a fairly good match. LAX took the win & retain the titles. Not a match I'd have put in a PPV, you couldn't even have given this away for free on tv to be honest. It was that bad.

TNA Knockout Title Match, Taylor Wilde vs Awesome Kong. Kong was on top from before the bell, jumping Wilde as she was showing the belt to the fans. A fair to middling match but it didn't really offer anything new, Wilde took the win off yet another roll-up to retain the title. Saeed jumping Wilde post-match to drag her back to the ring for a beatdown was clearly another Russo idea (as it was an incredibly bad one). The only good idea was using Abyss to stop an Awesome Bomb into a chair. Was the Black Hole Slam on Saeed a way to get her off tv so they can use Cheerleader Melissa for future tv shows? I hope so.

World X Cup 4th Round, Ultimate X. I was rather surprised to see that they hadn't bothered to set the ring up before the show started. Team Japan (Naruki Doi) vs Team Mexico (Volador Junior who we were seeing for the 1st time in the X cup) vs Team International (Daivari) vs Team TNA (Kaz). Kaz wasted at least 3 clear-cut chances to win this match that not even the most stupid of marks would have swallowed, West & Tenay were making a lot of an injured arm (when did he do that then?) but there seemed to be no sign of such an injury the 1st 2 times he jumped up to the ropes. If he had been injured even the biggest mark should be asking "Why put a guy with an injured arm in this type of match?". After that, any involvement with Kaz had jumped the shark for me, nice going TNA. They spent all that time building up a series of great matches only to go and piss on them by involving Kaz in this one. I assume that was Russo's idea? Doi & Volador basically saved this match from becoming a farce. Volador Junior eventually got the X, earning 4 points & winning the World X Cup for Team Mexico. Someone in TNA management needs to be hanging their head in shame (or just plain hung until dead) at putting Kaz into this match even with his legdrop on Daivari from the top of the tower he never should have been in this match if his arm genuinely was injured.

6 Man Tag Match Full Metal Mayhem (fan stipulation Tables, Ladders, Chairs & Chains are all legal). Team 3D & Kurt Angle vs Rhino, Christian Cage & AJ Styles. Angle jumped Styles from the darkness before he ever got to the ring. Everybody apart from Kurt Angle had a good match here. Angle isn't a hardcore wrestler & never has been so he always tends to stand out like a sore thumb in these kinds of matches. Rhino gave lots & sold well, Cage gave tons & sold like crazy, Team 3D gave an excellent performance as they normally do (did Devon really hurt his ankle after putting Rhino thru that table? He was limping after he 3D'd Cage thru the table from the apron). I assume Russo sent Johnny Devine out (he's the master of the s**t finish & that would have been one) to cover for Devon as even the backstage were unsure if Devon was actually injured or not (he didn't look injured when he ran across the ring to smash into the table). Having Frank Trigg interfere with the kendo stick was an equally s**t idea for a finish though. I think Rhino & Cage must have been pretty bashed up as neither guy made it back into the ring once they were taken out. Earl Hebner wasn't injured but he was helped out of the ring still holding his ankle.

TNA Heavyweight Title Match, Samoa Joa vs Booker T. After a very long video package & build up (to clear the ring area of debris & bodies I assume) & an even longer set of introductions from Jeremy Borash we could only expect a 19 minute long match at maximum as that's all the time the show had left to run. Joe was getting lots of boos from the Houston crowd so the locals were all supporting Booker T despite the fact he's a well established heel at the moment. Sharmell was overselling for Booker way too hard, the guys in the camera van were obviously looking to put a lot of cheap (and s**t) heat on Joe by using Sharmell that way. Booker was getting good reactions from being dirty outside the ring, Joe did a great blade job after hitting the ringsteps though. Booker never really offered anything at all to this match even with Joe selling everything for him. Booker just didn't work very hard at all & I didn't see anywhere near the level of skill I'd expect from someone with his amount of experience. The worst example of that was Booker's ref bump on Rudy Charles (who sold better for him than any sell Booker had given for Joe in the entire match) but this also slowed the match down at exactly the wrong time.

Sharmell's reaction to Joe's clothesline was WAY over the top (she seriously needs to learn how to reign it in a bit), she was also really over-reacting after Joe hit Booker on the chair too. The guys West & Tenay were referring to as Sharmell's "personal security" had actually already been revealed to us as 2 members of Booker T's "Wrestling School" during one his his video inserts earlier in the PPV so I guess West & Tenay weren't paying too much attention there. Why Slick Johnson was trying to stop Joe is beyond me. With Rudy Charles down he should either have started calling the match or have stopped it for whatever reason he deemed fit. Joe would have been DQ'd after clotheslining Slick & DDT'ing Andrew Thomas so the match can now officially be classed as over with Booker T as winner on a DQ. This was an AWFUL way to finish the last 10 minutes of a match (yes, that's how long they let this c***py idea of Russo's go on for!), eventually it took Sting (who got THE biggest pop of the night) with a baseball ball who appeared to have talked Joe down only for him to run back to the ring. Sting had to hit Joe with the bat, why Booker even bothered to cover Joe was beyond me - the match was already over and done with more than 10 minutes earlier. As was the pointlessness of Sharmell counting 3 or her taking the title & them leaving with it. This has got to be one of Russo's worst ideas for a finish ever. No TNA official made a count on Joe. The match was either Booker's by DQ or it was a no contest but either way Joe keeps the title regardless of who carried it away from the ring that night. On the whole only the opening match was any good, everything else appeared to have been given "The Russo Finish" treatment & stank like week old s**t. This is probably one of TNA's worst PPV's in a long time & it's about time they seriously reconsidered keeping Russo's role in the company. He can't be fired soon enough in my humble opinion.

My TNA Weekly Catch-up, Impact 10th Jul 08

No Rules Parking Lot Brawl, Robert Roode vs Homicide. Not a good match by any definition, made even worse when James Storm joined in which showed they had no clue how to run the thing. It had jumped the shark once Roode started to drag Homicide back into the Impact Zone through the backstage area towards the ring. After a short beatdown on the handcuffed Homicide, Hernandez came and made the predictable save and I was sitting waiting for Team 3D to stop him. Roode was WAY over selling the leather straps from Hernandez & LAX reunited in the ring to free Homicide followed by a tease of Sting in the rafters to possibly appear later in the show.

World X Cup 2nd Round, Team Japan (Masata Yoshino) vs Team International (Doug Williams), Yoshino was on top from the start with the tilt-a-whirl head scissors followed by a suicide dive. Williams got a decent series of offensive moves but also sold very heavily for Yoshino on his various dropkicks. I 'm not sure if Yoshino flubbed the 2nd head scissors or if Williams was unwilling or unsure about selling the move. Yoshino looked genuinely upset about it afterwards though. Williams did screw up when trying to climb up to grab Yoshino off the top turnbuckle (he even acknowledged his flub to the crowd wagging his index finger and giving a wry smile). Williams clearly is still rusty or unsure in TNA's ring but made an excellent winning pin off a double small package rollover suplexed into a bridge scoring 2 points for Team International.

Various crappy backstage interludes followed by another Matt Morgan interview segment.

6 Man Tag Match (falls count anywhere) - Kip James, Petey Williams & Tomko vs BG James, Eric Young & Matt Morgan. Petey Williams is still wearing the face mask so must still be recovering from his broken orbital bone unless their trying to over exagerate the injury by making us believe its still ongoing when it isn't. This was generally chaos everywhere with several ref's following the various pairings to count pins. It was pretty surprising to see Eric Young take Petey Williams into the crowd with Petey putting Young into a sharpshooter in the upper bleachers & BG James having to make the save. Young & Williams looked pretty good together in the ring (it was nice to see Young actually doing some good looking moves for a change). Petey Williams took the win off a Hurricanrana on Eric Young jumping from in-ring to the floor. It started badly but ended very well indeed. Tomko & Williams were going to put a beatdown on Eric Young but Abyss came in & put a stop to that, it seems Abyss is having a face turn then.

$25,00 Challenge & TNA Knockout Womens Title Match, Shantelle Taylor (now being billed a Taylor Wilde) vs Awesome Kong. After a good performance & a win last week Taylor is getting a shot at the title for some unexplained reason, but winning over Raisha Saeed doesn't really suddenly make you #1 contender. Kong rushed Wilde but Wilde used her quickness to recover, Raisha Saeed interefered (as was to be expected really) but Roxxi came out to watch Wilde's back. Wilde made 2 good pins which were only 2 counts but were very close calls. She also kicked out of the Implant Buster, Kong went for the spinning backfist but Wilde caught her in a roll-up to make the pin, win the $25,000 and is now the new TNA Knockout Champion.

World X Cup 2nd Round, Team Mexico (Ultimo Guerrero) vs Team TNA (Kaz). Guererro basically made this match, putting Kaz over, selling everything & playing the upper hand. Kaz wasn't really ever on top at any point but made the eventual pin, earning 2 points for Team TNA. A pretty poor match as you can tell by lack of commentary.

Booker T comes out to make a "public apology" (translates as comes out to bore us on the mic). Him jawing with Samoa Joe is interupted by the entrance of Sting.

6 Person Tag Match, The Beautiful People & Kurt Angle vs ODB, Gail Kim & AJ Styles. ODB & Angelina Love kicked this one off for their respective teams, ODB made a nice fall-away slam & tags went to Gail Kim & Velvet Sky (who totally fucked up what was I assume supposed to be a drop-toe hold by hitting the deck WAY too soon). Tags to Styles & Angle slowed down the match at exactly the wrong time with the guys hooking up and doing lots of holds, reverses & technical wrestling right after lots of speed and agility from the women. Styles was able to pick up the pace (as he's the much better wrestler with a much wider skill-set than Angle), also selling Angle's attempts at speed moves as well. Having Frank Trigg come out to distract Styles was a bad idea (slowing the match down yet again AND detracting from the women) & I wasn't too sure about having Karen Angle coming down either. Angle took the match to the mat (a bad idea, the match was already WAY too slow by this point & only had less than 6 mins left to run anyway), clearly this match was never intended to put any of the women over. It was to further the Kurt & Karen storyline at the expense of what could have been a really good womens match. The double clothesline was a really bad idea (especially so late in the match) & they really should have taken this one home after AJ's Pele. Having them do a 4 woman finish was probably the best idea you could expect them to come up with on the fly, AJ's suicide dive on Angle was probably the best move of the match. Gail Kim took the eventual win from Velvet Sky but this could have been a MUCH better match. The Frank Trigg beatdown & The Beautiful People brown bagging Gail Kim was almost certainly a Russo idea as it was designed to further a storyline that no-one cares about or wants to see any more of.

Movie Review - The Love Guru

Take every bad idea from Austin Powers & Wayne's World, liberally mix them with "The Guru" (starring Jimi Mistry & Heather Graham, obviously where Myers stole the idea for this film) and you've got this excuse for a film. Most of the jokes (if you can call them that) are 1 laugh only, if that. Most of them are actually no laughs at all but that doesn't stop Myers jamming them down your throat with the vain hope you might find them funny if he repeats them often enough. A lot of this movie is recycled ideas from the various Austin Powers films and Myers' love of bad puns and word play (he might want to watch Ronnie Barker in "The Two Ronnies" who has been doing it longer, much better and without repeating himself).

Possibly the only funny moment in the film is when Pitka is being beaten up by 2 children in a bar fight. Worst moment would be the "3 girls named Ann" joke. Myers also managed to not only ruin my favourite song by Extreme but also missed a great opportunity for a good cameo (he could have had the Extreme lead singer playing the sitar). Most of the jokes in this film are funny if you are a boy of 12, sadly I'm not 12 any more and Myers is just trying too hard for the entire film. Most punchlines can be seen from a mile away. Verne Troyer has pretty much destroyed any credible career he might have ever had by agreeing to be in this garbage. And don't even mention the "Elephants" scene which is not only totally pointless but slows down the movie at exactly the wrong moment. Myers doing a cameo as himself is the ultimate in ego indulgence in a film, the eventual outcomes are way too obvious as well.

Roanoake wins The Stanley Cup, gets his girl back from Jacques Grande (played very badly by Justin Timberlake), stands up to his mother and Guru Pitka loses his chastity belt, gets the girl & thus is the rip-off of Jimi Mistry's "The Guru" complete, right down to the Bollywood version of a Western dance number at the end.

Sadly this was just a movie to indulge Mike Myers and his love of childish humour so he's made no progress as either a writer or an actor since he made Wayne's World. Anyone could have filled Jessica Alba's role as she's completely forgettable (Heather Graham was much better in "The Guru", far sexier, a better actress and she could actually sing & dance better too!) and not enough was made of Pitka's sidekick/manservant who deserved a much bigger part in the movie.

Not recommended to even the most hardcore Mike Myers fan. Avoid!

ECW 8th July 2008 reviewed.

This was a pretty awful show if I'm honest.

Opening with Miz & Morrison boring ppl on the mic.

Finlay vs The Miz. Finlays wins. Who cares about that match, I fast forwarded through it.

Braden Walker vs Armando Estrada. "Braden Walker" would be Chris Harris, formerly Wildcat Chris Harris of TNA. When did he jump ship or get fired then? I assume he'll be as badly used as Monty Brown (Marcus Van Cor to you WWE people) then? I was laughing at Tazz's "New Superstar Initiative" comments about Chris Harris. He's been around a fair while Tazz. He was the Fake Sting at WCW's Halloween Havoc in 2000. He worked for TNA from 2002, Wiki says he left TNA in Jan 11th 08 and WWE signed him on Jan 29th 08. It was nice that they didn't make him job to Estrada in his 1st tv match at least. I expect to see him being jobbed to the big names pretty soon though.

Evan Bourne v Nunzio. Evan Bourne (aka Matt Sydal, formerly of TNA and ROH).

Come on WWE & Tazz! The guy won & finished with a fucking AWESOME shooting star press and you missed the chance to call the move "Air-Bourne"? You uncreative fuckwitted cunts!

Mark Henry vs Tommy Dreamer. Sad excuse for a main event. Less than 6 minutes long. They had to call out a hall of famer to interefere. I assume the ref stopped this, classing it as a DQ on Henry for outside interference despite Tony Atlas announcing Mark Henry as winner.

I saw no pin or submission made by Henry so I'm going with my call of Tommy Dreamer winning off a dq from outside interference.

Very poor show, the former TNA and ROH alums made it a lot better than the WWE talent.

Movie Review - Hancock

Take a script thats been rejected many times & had been doing the rounds for over 10 years. Then make it into a movie by adding your own ideas. And you get Hancock, Will Smith's latest offering about the not very super Superhero. He's a bum, a drunk & all his crime fighting, thief taking & life saving end up costing tax payers lots of money. So he ends up going to jail to try to reform his ways. He gets himself a publicist to improve his image (whose life he'd previously saved in a scene that looks like it was crowbarred into the movie just to get that character established) and eventually he's released early to help foil a bank robbery.

The movie is OK until Charlize Theron is revealed as another superhero & then it well & truly jumps the shark, with an awful looking CGI fight across the city & pointless storms that look very good but are never explained. The film then gets even worse when she says she's his sister & then gets totally pointless (to the point of being unwatchable in fact) when she admits to being his wife.

The whole "superheroes become mortal when we get close to each other" plot seemed very much like an afterthought added to the script by someone who was desperate to make this movie last a lot longer as it had run out of ideas. Hancock got out of jail way too early, we should have really seen him learning to harness his powers (which he obviously didn't have a clue how to use really) & gradually becoming a useful superhero - developing from the useless one he already was. There wasn't a bad or powerful enough villain to put against him so they fabricated the pointless romance to make him seem vulnerable.

Will Smith plays the drunken version of Hancock far more convincingly than the sober side. If the film had stuck to "what if a city had a superhero who wasn't really suited to the role" idea then it might have played out much better & been a more enjoyable film. As it was the "we
become mortal when we get close" idea was truly awful, no wonder this film had been rejected for over 10 years. If they'd stuck to "when superheroes go bad or were never any good in the 1st place" it might have been a much different and better film.

Best avoided as it adds nothing to the superhero film genre, in fact it actually detracts from it.

Movie Review - WALL·E

Pixar have done it again. I'm going on the record here, this is THE best movie I've ever seen in my entire life. It's simple, beautiful, enchanting, it has a message & has memorable characters.

Wall-e (Waste Allocation Load Lifter Earth-Class) is a robot. His job is to tidy up rubbish. A very noble cause & even more so when it's all the rubbish we humans left behind before blasting off into the stars to leave The Earth in hope that nature could regenerate itself. And this is Wall-e's (he pronounces it Wally) huge task.

I assume centuries ago there were millions like him (you get to see 1 that has broken down that he scavenges parts from) & they all compacted the rubbish until they broke down, leaving only Wall-e left to continue the job on his own over a period of 700 years during which time he became self aware & developed a persona with only a cockroach for company.

The film looks amazing, Wall-e is based the design of Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, he also has elements of E.T in his persona along with the robots Huey, Lewie & Dewey from Silent Running. If you were to take all the best parts of those movies & put them together then you'd start to get close to Wall-e.

Wall-e is alone until a probe lands on Earth containing Eve (Extra-terrestrial Vegetation Evaluator) who is there to search for life. And what does she do as soon as she encounters a hint of life? She shoots at it. That was the cockroach. And again when she meets Wall-e who falls in love with her and helps her to achieve her mission when he finds a plant growing under the rubbish he clears.

This means Wall-e has to protect Eve from the elements until her ship returns to take her back to the last remnants of Humanity. A society living in complete apathy, reliant on robots for everything and have atrophied to the point where they are even unable to walk or sit up without assistance.

Eventually we find out that 700 years in space have caused this to occur & that the autopilot was given orders never to return to Earth as it was declared uninhabitable. Obviously Eve's return with the plant throws a spanner in the works and we spend a short time having Eve & Wall-e being declared rogue robots, being hunted down for destruction so the Autopilot can cover up that life has returned to Earth.

The film does end with the ship returning the humans to Earth & Eve having to repair Wall-e after it seems he has been destroyed but her repair job is too good and he no longer is aware like before. We do have a happy ending as Wall-e regains his awareness and the Humans decide to help earth rebuild itself and get it green again.

There is a strong message behind this film about pollution and the destruction of the ecosystem but its never rammed down your throat or made to seem preachy. It's done tactfully & thoughtfully and does make you leave the film thinking about the issues. M.Night Shamaylan tried to achieve this in "The Happening" & failed miserably. Perhaps he should take a leaf out of Pixar's book and not try so hard.

A simple film with a very strong idea, an excellent & well thought out plot with a positive message and strong ending all put Pixar's message across very well. As Disney were involved, sadly there are moments of too much saccharine but the very strong film makes these bearable.

I would recommend this to everyone!

My TNA Weekly Catch-up, Impact 3rd Jul 08

Show opens with AJ Styles & Karen Angle coming out to bore us on the mic, storyline c**p no-one ever cared about. Tenay & West talk to LAX & Hector Guerrero who are "live from Houston, Texas" (which is obviously backstage @ The Impact Zone).

Tag Match, James Storm & Robert Roode vs The Motor City Machineguns. Shelley & Sabin were the better team here by far, Storm & Roode had a few decent moments but their not even in the same league as The Guns. I assume neither Roode nor Storm fancied getting hit by The Guns better skillset hence the c***py "accidental beer in the face" Russo inspired finish from Jaqueline with Alex Shelley getting the pin off James Storm. Storm & Roode hit officials. They also assault Security, West, Tenay & the ring announcer. Cornette puts a stop to things arranging another match for Storm & Roode later.

Knockout Bimbo Brawl (Hardcore Match), Moose vs Roxxie. Now I already know from having watched CZW's Tournament Of Death 7 that Moose is one violently tough woman! Moose took good bumps & Roxxie took some excellent headshots from the metal trays but Moose took a very hard looking head shot from a street sign. Moose got the win after Roxxie went head first into a chair then took a double underhook DDT into the street sign. Good hard looking match! Find a WWE Diva who'd do this? You can't!

World X Cup 2nd Round, Team International (Alex Kozlov) vs Team Mexico (Rey Buccanero). Most awesome move was Kozlov's Flipdive (landing on his feet as well!), Buccanero won with a wicked twisting Senton, score Team Mexico 2 points in the World X Cup. Good match, very quick, very fluid.

Kurt Angle & Team 3D bore us on the mic.

World X Cup 2nd Round, Team Japan (Milano Collection A.T. with his invisible dog) vs Team TNA (Curry Man). Collection showed some wicked flexibility with anice Matrix Move & a rising bridge. Collection got the win & 2 points for Team Japan after a low blow & a twisting backwards moonsault.

Special Knockout Challenge Match, Raisha Saeed (with Awesome Kong) vs Shantelle Taylor. This was a really good match, the crowd were marking for Taylor especially when she was down, she gave a good offense & took good bumps. Taylor got an excellent win off a really good looking (and very well held) German Suplex in her 1st proper match under TNA contract.

James Storm & Robert Roode (now collectively known by their new team name Beer Money) vs Kevin Nash & Samoa Joe. Nash & Joe had the upper hand at 1st but when Beer Money were on top they were working better together as a tagteam than I've ever seen them work. Star of the match was still Joe though, the reverse Pele onto Roode sitting on the top turnbuckle was awesome & Joe took the win off The Muscle Buster. Show ends with a tease on the return of Sting.

Movie Review - Wanted

Suspend all disbelief. There's not a single element of realism in this movie & it's a very sad attempt to try & make a comic into a movie then failing badly as the source material clearly wasn't strong enough. I'd normally class Morgan Freeman & Angelina Jolie as a good cast but
sadly they've got awful roles. The script itself is truly dire, based on a comic I've never read or heard of ever.

Basically we're in a world of superhero assassins where their abilities are right out of The Matrix. The film borrows heavily from things like Bulletproof Monk (I don't actually think there's a single original idea in the whole movie) and viewers are expecting to suspend way too much
belief.

The film has too much action (yes, you read that right! Too much!) and suffers in the same way Bad Boys 2 did, just having action scenes for the sake of it because there was no plot or script to follow so they'd just engineer an action sequence for no reason at all than seeing the hero or the other assassins use their magical powers.

We're following Wesley Gibson, a nobody who is dragged into the world of the assassins and trains to become one to kill the man who killed his father. Except thats not the case, the man he kills IS his father and the guy in charge of the assassins (Morgan Freeman in possibly his worst movie role ever) has started to create targets for his own profit.

The film is truly awful, ignore the plot because it's nonexistent. Enjoy looking at Fox (Angelina Jolie) until she decides to kill herself near the end of the film. Terrance Stamp is woefully underused & his character could have done much more. If you can ignore the ridiculous special effects, CGI and over the top action sequences then you might get a bit of pleasure from watching this. Personally I hated it and if you've seen the trailers then you've seen the best bits of the movie as it really doesn't get any better than the trailer.

My Dr Who Trailer (AKA Rose's Return)