Movie Review - The Postman

Set in 2013 some 16 or so years after a major apocolyptic event (most likely a war judging by the after effects) we follow the fortunes of a nameless character played by Kevin Costner. He starts out as a simple traveller and entertainer using his talents to get food and shelter.

He is press ganged into slavery in the Holn Army (who it seems are in some way responsible for the war so it may have been a civil uprising to overthrow the US Government), a local brigade run by the fanatical General Bethlehem who was nothing but a simple copier salesman before the war.

He manages to eventually escape and during a storm seeks shelter inside a postal van where he steals the clothes and mail of a long dead US Postal worker and decides to use old mail to trick his way into towns for food and shelter so he is nothing but a con artist playing on the feelings of those without hope.

By sheer luck he manages to get into a city called Pineview where he tells them lies of a newly reformed US Government run by a Richard Starkey (is he so stupid to assume there will be no-one old enough to remember The Beatles?) but the local Sheriff sees through him and makes him leave.

Not long after he goes Bethlehems troops visit and impose their own laws and rules on the citizens again, you see that his troops are nothing more than looters, thugs & cold hearted murderers. You see Bethlehem is nothing more than a modern day Viking, pillaging and taking slaves.

The Postman continues to travel to towns giving false hope but is caught in the next town (Benning, Oregan) & gives further details on the restored US saying the new capital is in Minneapolis with the new seat of Government in the Metrodome (fortunately for Costner as of 2008 they do still play there).

As Bethelehems troops attack Benning for resisting, The Postman is saved from execution by a women they had captured in Pineview (Abby played by Olivia Williams who I thought was Lena Heady), he manages to return the favour by saving her and they flee into the great American wilderness.

Abby manages to evade the troops persuing her and The Postman and treks through snow to a cabin where they seek shelter, whilst trying to treat his wounds she discovers his Holn brand which he explains, they weather out a winter there and then leave by foot (having been forced to eat their horse to survive but I still don't understand why they never took the horse of the guy Abby killed) after Abby burns down the cabin so they have to return to society. Whilst trekking back they encounter a rider who turns out to be a Postal Carrier and she takes them back to their camp which is being run by Ford Lincoln Mercury who The Postman had sworn in back at Pineview.

It turns out Ford has been feeding his Post workers a few lies of his own to maintain morale. A Postal Carrier is captured by Bethlehems men and they embank on a campaign to stop the Postal Service, The Postman even manages to return to Pineview like he promised. Postal Carriers start to go missing as they are captured & killed by Bethlehem forcing The Postman to use guerilla tactics to retaliate against the Holnist troops.

As a new batch of Postmen are sworn in one comes to meet The Postman who thinks he's seen him before (this man eventually turns out to a spy for Bethlehem) and Bethlehem embarks on a campaign of terror against all towns who give or receive mail executing people in every town including Pineview.

The Postman reads a letter to his staff and tells them the Postal Service is disbanded and explains to Abby the true story behind The Postman. Bethelhems spy reveals himself but does not assassinate The Postman which it appears was his mission. Ford delivers the final letter to Bethlehem explaining the truth about The Postman and the fake "restored" Government.

Facing execution Ford meets a carrier from the restored republic of California and Bethlehem discovers he isn't just fighting The Postman, he's fighting an idea (which he refers to as "a ghost").

The Postman & Abby ride West and reach Bridge City (a bit of a misnomer as its built across a dam) which is run by rock star Tom Petty (playing a future version of himself) where they seek shelter as Bethlehems troops ride out to hunt down the remnants of the Postal service to end the conflict.

After being asked by a child what a postman is one of his ex carriers returns his cap (a darn good trick considering you actually saw him burning it earlier in the movie!) and Tom Petty tells him he's famous (its quite a funny scene, I always get a giggle out of it).

The Postman then sets out to raise an army of his own (where did that uniform come from, didn't he burn that as well?) and they ride to finally face General Bethlehem & his troops. Bethlehems spy rejoins the Postmans army and The Postman rides out under a flag of truce to speak with Bethlehem and invokes law 7 of the Holnist clan, the right to fight for leadership. Obviously he wins (in possibly the worst on screen fight ever made even worse by being shown in slow motion) but theres a couple of slight twists which I wont reveal.

The Postman returns to Abby & his baby daughter Hope and we then flash forward to 2043 and St Rose, Oregon and his adult daughter unveils a statue to his memory. It's a feelgood ending leaving you feeling The Postman did bring hope and reunite the people. Like Waterworld this isn't considered a good movie which is a shame as its well shot and based on a very good idea, it only annoys me that you never see Nathan Holn ever in the movie, he is just refered to at times. Like Dances With Wolves this is a bit of an epic as its almost 3 hours long in duration, it probably could do with a major bit of cutting which if done properly could easily remove about 40 minutes of the movie without ruining it.

It's still a good movie and I'd recommend it to anyone.

Movie Review - The Wrestler

Mickey Rourke plays aging wrestler Randy "The Ram" Robinson and we follow him in his twilight years, 20 years past his peak but still wrestling in High School gyms and small arenas. It's a bit of a weird movie, it gives good insight into how wrestling works behind the scenes (Mickey does actually blade in the 1st match you get to see him do it) and there are real wrestlers playing minor parts (I recognised former TNA and current ROH star Austin Aries at the 1st arena). Ram kind of reminds me of Jerry Lynn (from his general look).

ROH is mentioned in the film so they are occupying a space in the real world even if Ram isn't a real wrestler. Marisa Tomei plays Randy's stripper girlfriend (I dont really know her from anything apart from The Guru). The issue of drugs is dealt with very openly as Ram is seen both buying and using them. After seeing Ram buying props for what could only be an upcoming hardcore match you get to see him talking with Hardcore Icon The Necro Butcher (wow is he different out of the ring) and you get to see the closing seconds of that match with him (which it looks like it was done with CZW so yet another real company being used and referenced), Blue Meanie is visible in the dressing room afterwards.

Bits of the match are shown and Ram takes staple shots, a shot into glass and several barbed wire hits. The move of the match for me had to be Ram putting Necro into a barbed wire table off a ladder.

Ram collapses in the dressing room and wakes up in a hospital bed having suffered a heart attack and had bypass surgery, it turns out to have been quite literally a near death experience and he is told to stop using steroids and not wrestle any more. Randy tries to speak to his estranged daughter but she doesn't want to know him (shades of Jake The Snake there?) and then he attends a very quiet Fan Fest (were any of the other wrestlers there real wrestlers?).

Unable to wrestle he is forced to look for extra work at the supermarket where he was working part time where he ends up working on the deli counter. There's lots of very dull and extremely long winded stuff about his relationship with his daughter and the stripper, Ram eventually ends up going to watch a match (Ron Killings is involved) and ends up hooking up with a fan who he ends up having sex and doing some coke with, the aftermath of which results in him missing time with his daughter.

After being recognised at the supermarket Randy cuts himself on a meatslicer and quits his job then decides to get back into wrestling for 1 last hurrah - a match against his old nemesis The Ayatollah (played Ernest "The Cat" Miller best known from his WCW days) in an ROH fan fest (where you also get to see British ROH star Nigel McGuinness). Pam the Stripper leaves her job to go and see his match to try and persuade Ram not to fight because of his heart but he goes on anyway and cuts a nice promo before the fight.

Its a decent match and the 2 moves Rourke definately does NOT do is the dive over the top rope onto Miller outside the ring (you can tell by the angle and the cutaway shot) and the Ram Jam finisher, its tough to watch Rourke playing Ram with a bad heart in the closing part of the match as he's very convincing indeed but he still manages to pull his finishing move and your left to wonder does he win the match, does he die in the ring.

It's a good movie, the wrestling is well done but its very slow in places (generally the emotional stuff with his daughter and Pam) but it's worth a look.

Movie Review - Ghost Town

I'll start by saying I don't like Ricky Gervais and have never found him funny so this was going to have to be phenomenal to impress me. As far as I can recall I've only ever seen Greg Kinnear (playing Frank) in "Stuck On You" which I found mildly funny.

Its hard to tell exactly what genre this film was aiming for as it misses comedy by a country mile and it wasn't really romantic enough to be a romcom, the humour (what little there was of it) wasn't really dark enough to be black comedy and its a movie about dead people so its not exactly a feel good flick either so I'd have to class this as an ego pic, solely written for Gervais to front.

Fortunately for me Frank dies in the very 1st scene, Gervais plays Bertam Pincus, a dentist (I find it hard to believe he's a comedian so I really struggled to accept him playing a dentist) who is also a complete asshole (Gervais is VERY believable as an asshole) who goes into hospital for some sort of routine bowel operation.

The operation itself is very quickly glossed over as you pass from him going to surgery to being discharged from hospital within mere seconds of each other. But Pincus is soon followed home by an ever increasing group of people who realise only he can see them who then procede to chase him. He returns to the hospital asking about hallucinations and eventually forces the surgeon to admit that he died for 7 minutes and can suddenly see dead people.

Pincus refuses to help any of the dead with their unfinished business so they spend the movie generally hounding and following him, Pincus is asked by Frank to help his widow Gwen (Tea Leoni) from marrying another guy which Pincus does by trying to woo her himself which is difficult as he has absolutely no personality and zero clue how to talk to people.

My 1st laugh in the film wasn't anything Gervais said, it was the fact he'd worn a new shirt and forgotten to remove the label. I guess it should speak volumes about how unfunny the man is if that made me laugh. Mainly what I found about Gervais was he's very boring, his whole performance was pretty much delivered in monotone with no life at all (ironic for a guy who can see dead people you'd think but in his case case, not so).

Despite the fact we see at least several dozen ghosts follow Pincus near the start of the movie we only ever get to meet a select few and thats one of the less satisfying things about this movie (In my opinion it shows they weren't able to develop their characters or write material for them, either that or they wanted the movie to revolve solely around Gervais & Kinnear which given Gervais' ego is the more likely reason).

Pincus asking the Indian dentist about "extracting information from a hostile" is extremely offensive and very bigoted in its assumption that all Indians are terrorists (I'm rather surprised Gervais as a Brit agreed to do that line as Britain is a very multi cultural country) and Pincus then abuses his position as a Dentist to both extract information and break up Gwens relationship. Even when Frank screws Pincus over you still don't feel sorry for him, Gervais just doesn't illict that response as an actor or a person.

His Indian colleague hits it spot on when he describes him as "a fucking prick" which finally leads Pincus to go on missions of mercy for the ghosts who have been following him, helping them with their unfinished business (which in itself is rather sad as they choose to spend less than 2 minutes of the movie doing that and I would have prefered to have seen much more of him helping the ghosts out).

It does feel quite satisfactory that Pincus gets killed (and in the exact same way that Frank did) but rather sadly is revived. The ending is left very open, you have no clue if Pincus still sees ghosts but he does seem to be slightly nicer and Frank did pass over.

My Weekly TNA Catch-up, Impact 25th Dec 08

Hey folks, its another latish catch-up. I wasn't even sure if there was going to be a show this week on account of Thursday also being Christmas Day but I guess they managed to get some tapings in beforehand.

This festive show kicks off with Mick Foley coming out to talk, The MEM yack a bit too. Foley books 2 matches for later.

X Division Championship Semi Finals - Kiyoshi vs Chris Sabin. Aren't they having these matches ever so slightly out of sequence? These 2 guys were the 2nd half of the bracket so really shouldn't be fighting this week. I was bit unsure as to why Shane Sewell was in the ring at all, they were going on about a 2 week suspension but what happened to Cornette's decision of 3 strikes and your fired? Surely Sewell already had his 3rd strike and should be unemployed or can Cornette not remember what he said only a few weeks prior? Again Sheik Abdul Bashir came out to the top of the ramp and watched the match (pointless as he's not involved in the tournament any more) so I guess they were playing the Sewell angle there. Sabin's hesitation dropkick might have been better sold by West & Tenay if the damn camera man had stood about 3 inches to his left as he clearly revealed Kiyoshi holding both arms in front of his face. It's pretty poor going when the camera crew are responsible for a very bad no-sell. This was weak for an X Division match, Sabin won off the Cradle Shock. The post match stuff between Sewell & Bashir was pointless as was the save by Suicide.

Various backstage shite including a brawl between Eric Young and Alex Shelley that ended up in the ring.

Tag Team Grudge Match - Scott Steiner & Booker T vs Brother Devon & AJ Styles. This Frontline team has been formed from the injuries of Samoa Joe and Brother Ray so both Devon & Styles were looking for some revenge. This wasn't much of a match for either team and Devon was stupid enough to beat Booker out of the arena into the backstage area and get jumped by the rest of the MEM leaving Styles to face Steiner alone although Ref Slick Johnson threw the match out (who knows why or even cares) leaving Styles to fend off all of the MEM before getting the holy heck beaten out of him. Consequences Creed, Eric Young & Jay Lethal came to make the save but were still outnumbered and Sting was noticably absent. Even Rhino couldn't even it up leaving the crowd chanting for Foley who came in and cleared the ring. Foley also books himself into a match at the up coming Genesis PPV.

8 Woman Santa's Workshop Knockout Street Fight - Sojourner Bolt, Awesome Kong, Rhaka Khan & Raisha Saeed vs Christy Hemme, Roxxi, Taylor Wilde & ODB. Wilde & Saeed kicked this one off with Wilde selling some good looking punches before tagging in Roxxi who makes a pretty sexy elf! The ref (the incredibly useless Rudy Charles who just shrugged his shoulders like he could do nothing) totally lost control of this one when Kong just strolled into the ring without ever being tagged (I still want to know why he wasn't counting, tag rules should have clearly been in effect), and eventually all 8 women were in the ring and Rudy Charles just gave up trying to run things - it kind of makes me wonder why they bother to pay him. Wilde's cross body block was great (but not as funny as Roxxi looking up to check the camera guy had been in position to catch the move), Wilde eventually hit some kind of leg roll into a small package on Khan to take the win, the move was incredible.

Kurt Angle vs Rhino - Sting was in Angle's corner but it was pretty clear from his suit he wasn't going to get involved, Rhino had Jeff Jarrett in his corner and JJ brought the guitar with him. It's fair to say that practically nothing happened in the 8 or so minutes of this match, the highlight was Angle dodging Jarrett outside the ring who ended up putting himself into the steel guard rail. Jarrett climbed into the ring and Ref Earl Hebner threw the match out (I'm assuming DQ on outside interference) as Angle & JJ duked it out. Is BG James pretty much retired now or what, he doesn't seem to get any matches any more.

My Weekly TNA Catch-up, Impact 18th Dec 08

This weeks catch-up was delayed mainly due to sheer apathy and another family problem but better late than never.

Rhino vs Lance Rock - If theres ever 2 people in TNA you don't want to see in a match its these 2. The only way it could have been worse was if it'd featured a Kevin Nash or Beer Money run-in. Rhino won off the Gore (obviously).

X Division Championship Quarterfinals - Sonjay Dutt vs Chris Sabin. Sabin brought Shelley with him and Dutt had Val with him so it was a pretty sure thing that this was going to be decided by some type of interference. I'm not exactly sure why Bashir came out to the top of the ramp, he'd been eliminated last week. Dutt had the best of this match and made most of the best moves but Sabin took the win off The Cradle Shock.

ODB's Angle with guest Christy Hemme. Webography with ODB. Rough Cut with Robert Roode.

Tag Match - Scott Steiner & Booker T vs Abyss & Matt Morgan. Awful match, Sharmell distracted the ref allowing Booker to hit Morgan with a lead pipe so Booker took the win off the Axe Kick on Matt Morgan.

Webography with Matt Morgan. Kurt Angle comes out to bore us on the mic and we get to see Terry Taylor & Scott D'Amore on tv for the 1st time in ages.

X Division Championship Quarterfinals - Kiyoshi vs Consequences Creed (Kiyoshi is actually Akira Raijin of All Japan Pro Wrestling and is the protege of The Great Muta but this still doesn't really explain how the hell he just strolled into a Quarterfinal match for a title in his 1st match with TNA). Kiyoshi had a good match and Creed spent most of his time selling for him, Creed had a short and decent run on top with a very weak pin attempt but Kiyoshi took the win off a reverse moonsault.

Backstage garbage with The Beautiful People, Webography with Traci Brooks - her fringe looked very weird. Recap of Brother Ray and his injury last week. Interview with Shane Sewell. Webography with Jay Lethal.

Knockout Street Fight Match - Rhaka Khan & Raisha Saeed vs Christy Hemme & ODB. Hemme & ODB took it to the heels and everyone was duking it out on the floor until Hemme beat Saeed into the crowd and ODB rolled Khan back into the ring. Hemme & ODB double teamed Khan who tried to fight back and failed, OBD slammed Khan and Hemme won off the FFG. Awesome Kong jumped them both as they celebrated, ODB took an Awesome Bomb then Suicide made his usual lights out/death slide entrance to eventually save Hemme & ODB.

6 Sides of Steel Tornado Tag Match - Kevin Nash & Sting vs Samoa Joe & AJ Styles. You can win by making a pinfall, escaping the cage over the top or through the door so I'm not exactly sure why the director made such a big show of watching the cage get padlocked. Rudy Charles drew the short straw and was the official inside the ring (that should so be his new nickname - Rudy "Short Straw" Charles), Nash blew up pretty early into this match and Sting had clearly bladed himself too but wasn't bleeding much. After a badly timed break (well after 6 years of doing it TNA are now pretty infamous for taking breaks during matches) Sting & Nash had turned things around and Styles was selling his beatdown quite happily. Joe turned it around again with a nice splash but after a boost off Joe and a jump off Nash's back AJ Styles took the win for his team by climbing over the top of the cage. Joe single handedly dealt with the MEM and went to hit Angle with the Muscle Buster until Nash made the save with a steel chair shot. Steiner locked the cage and the MEM beat Joe down with Sting stopping the rest of the Frontline coming down the ramp who eventually over ran Sting by sheer numbers but were kept out of the ring by Steiner and Nash.

Movie Review - Colossus - The Forbin Project

As a computer named Colossus it certainly earns it moniker as you see how seriously huge the thing is in the opening scenes in its cavernous type home that looks a bit like the laboratory scenes out of Forbidden Planet", the opening scene shows the level of security protecting Colossus and includes 2 steel blast doors and a radiation shield. From the exterior shots Colossus is clearly kept in some sort of Cheyenne Mountain style complex and it made me wonder if this is where Wargames got a lot of its ideas from.

Sure enough right at the start you hear The President announce that Colossus is controlling the American & Allied defence systems as a completely automatic process with all humans having been removed from the equation. The way The President talks about how intelligent it is but without any emotion makes you also think of Skynet so it seems Terminator also stole ideas from this movie. Dr Charles Forbin (whom the project is named after) is the worlds foremost authority on computers (played by Eric Braeden, although a very familiar face its hard to place him in any other movies) who explains the workings and location of Colossus (in Colorado, where Cheyenne Mountain is. Funny that, eh?) He also explains Colossus will defend itself if attacked (kind of reminds me of that computer in Superman 3 as well!) and also debunks the idea that it may be an artificial intelligence but he does not use that term.

It's funny that as The President is giving his speech about peace the "electronic" doors behind are struggling to close and its quite distracting. Forbin calls to his staff and we get an interesting look into the idea of teleconferencing which is fairly common today. Whilst singing the praises of Colossus The President is interrupted by a warning message (flashing up with a teletype sound effect and it reads Warning, There is another system) and after being called by the Soviet Ambassador it turns out The Russians also have a machine they are going to activate called "Guardian" looking after Soviet defence.

Forbin returns to the human run Colossus programming centre in California where he and his staff investigate the system (2 of his staff turning out to be Miss Fields played by Marion Ross better known from Happy Days and Dr. Chin played by sci-fi stalwart James Hong best known as Choo from Blade Runner) and a rather interesting answer to the question "How long does this usually take" (1100 CPU seconds nicely dating the film by that measurement of processing time) and it is then that Colossus starts to establish communication with the Russian computer system. Forbin asks if its a hoax message by any of his staff who all say no and The President calls asking about the message to be told they might not be in control of Colossus any more.

The message is ignored and repeats itself 30 minutes later, Colossus asks when it can contact the Russian computer and is told it can't and not to ask again so they wait another 30 minutes when it seems they are still in control. Briefing The President Forbin says everything is OK apart from the Heuristic Programming Section (possibly reflecting the fact the script writer may have read 2001: A Space Odyssey and was thinking about HAL 9000), Colossus is given permission to contact Guardian (its Russian counterpart) under the condition the connection can be broken if it starts to exchange classified information. Colossus starts to send Guardian the multiplication tables in attempt to find common ground to communicate upon (a ridiculous concept as any system as advanced as Colossus would almost certainly instantly use binary or hex for comms purposes so its plain the book and script were both written by people who nothing about computers), Colossus then starts sending calculus (stupid for the same reasons) and Guardian does start responding back to Colossus sending back the multiplication tables just over an hour after having received them.

They also discover Colossus is making new scientific discoveries previously unknown to man then Guardians calculations catch up and synchronize with Colossus and a few moments later they both stop. Colossus informs them that inter system language has been established (shocking, 2 such powerful computers unaware of binary or hexadecimal!) and then the 2 computers start to communicate on screen in binary (I had to laugh at the female member of Forbin's staff who described it as a "new inter system language" with a man on the staff saying it was "a language only those machines can understand", rather stupid as binary code has been in use since 1946 and this film was made in 1970).

The Russian Premier calls The President, afraid their machine may reveal defence secrets and the 2 men agree to turn both computers off at the same time. Forbin speaks to his Russian counterpart to disconnect the 2 computers and neither man is very happy about it but they arrange to disconnect them. The line is disconnected and Colossus immediately asks why whilst also trying to find another way to reconnect to Guardian at the same time. It fails and is told why it was disconnected and demands to be reconnected (does it not know how to say please? all that processing power and bugger all manners?) with The Russian Premier saying the 2 computers have now learnt man is in control by being able to keep them incommunicado.

Colossus responds by threatening them by saying if the link is not restored action will be taken immediately, when queried about what kind of action Colossus refuses to answer. The President tells Colossus they won't reconnect it and it then launches a missile at Russia, obviously Guardian retaliates with a counter launch against America (exactly as Colossus knew it would, it was unable to launch against its own country so it forced its opposite number to launch instead verifying the theory of mutually assured destruction. Unfortunately Guardian screws up by launching on an Air Force Base where Colossus had only fired on an oil field. If they were exactly as intelligent they would have both targeted identically strategic targets proving one of them is dumber than a mule).

When asked to used countermeasures against the Russian missile Colossus refuses unless the link is restored forcing them to restore the link between the 2 computers but when asked if the Russian missile will be shot down Colossus says nothing but the missile is confirmed as destroyed however the Russians were unable to restore Guardians link and their oil field and its associated town were wiped out. Colossus then demands to be allowed to monitor the White House line to the Kremlin. The President covers the whole thing up with a fake story about a test fire and The Russian Premier issues a cover story about a meteorite hit. Forbin travels to Rome to meet his Russian counterpart and Colossus demands to speak to Forbin so his staff stall and cover for him.

Colossus ignores them and is told the truth then demands Forbin be ready to speak to him after communicating to Guardian stating "action will be taken" if Forbin isn't there. It appears Guardian ordered the execution of its Russian creator stating Moscow would be vaporised if the meeting between the 2 computers creators wasn't stopped. After returning Colossus orders that Forbin has video and audio surveillance to cover him at all times (very Big Brother!) stating it will launch on Washington if not obeyed and Forbin is forced to comply. Forbin and his staff try to work out a way to stop Colossus suggesting trying to overload it, Forbin asks one of the female staff to pretend to be his mistress so he can secretly pass information to his staff. Forbin then shows Colossus the complex and how it is covered by cameras (it appears Forbin was the subject of the very 1st 24 hour reality show!).

When Forbin requests privacy for basic things like using the toilet and sleep Colossus refuses but it quizzes him on his sexual needs and Forbin is able to get what he wants - time with his fake mistress. The following day Colossus preplans Forbins day down to the last detail expecting him to design it a voice in 24 hours (an extremely unreasonable demand, it'd take weeks to create such a program from scratch) and allows Forbin his 1st visit with his "mistress" which is chaperoned by Colossus, it also watches them undress but finally gives them privacy when they are in bed together allowing them to plan the overload. The American & Russian military also discuss how to sabotage their own missiles to render them useless.

When Colossus decides it will aim all its missiles at countries not under its control its interesting to see it thinks both London, Copenhagen, Paris and Italy aren't under Allied control (especially as the UK, Rome, Denmark & France have been Nato members since 1948) and rather stupidly The President openly talks about the plan to sabotage the missiles (did he forget there was a Colossus terminal only a few feet away from him?) as does the Colonel in charge (stating exactly where they were planning to start whilst standing right next to an operational Colossus screen communicating in binary). I'm not exactly sure how the top brass thought a simple piece of misdirection and sleight of hand would fool a self aware supercomputer but you do clearly see them try it and it does appear to be successful.

The attempt is then made by Forbins staff to overload Colossus which fails and the men responsible are executed. Colossus then creates a new system which it states will be built on Crete stating the population must be moved or it will deal with the problem. Colossus addresses the world on TV and proclaims itself absolute ruler and explains it knew about the missile sabotage and then detonates them as an example to prevent further attempts at sabotage against it (so the fake detonators planted inside the missiles were somehow forced into operation? how was that done then?) stating it will rule the planet.

My Weekly TNA Catch-up, Impact 11th Dec 08

Delayed due to the reason already explained in alt.fan.tna, my head is in a slightly better place now and I'm getting back on with my life. As per usual this review is written by me and these are my views - if you don't like them either don't read this or killfile me. I have been known to swear but thats the way real people speak so be forewarned! Onto the catch-up.

Show opens with the MEM coming out to bore us on the mic, AJ Styles likewise. No-one cares about beatdowns that look they were thought up by a 9 year old, TNA Creative are getting as stale as WWE and seriously need to think about hiring new staff for new ideas or start stealing them from the fans reviews (feel free to steal ANY of my ideas, I won't sue or charge but I will expect my name in the damn credits!).

Backstage stuff with Mick Foley & Jeff Jarrett, more backstage with The Motor City Machineguns.

X Division Championship Quarterfinals - Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Eric Young. I assume they made some sort of decision I fast forwarded through which is why these qualifiers are taking place? Their still pretty damn pointless as they had a rankings tournament a while back, shouldn't those rankings still be valid or have TNA Creative got a frigging short memory? Having checked - Turning Point PPV Nov 08, X Division Ranking Match. Top 10 rankings were as follows:-
10th - Sonjay Dutt
9th - Volador
8th - Jimmy Rave
7th - Homicide (elminated due to injury)
6th - Consequences Creed
5th - Petey Williams
4th - Tanahashi
3rd - Doug Williams
2nd - Jay Lethal
1st - Eric Young

TNA, some of us write reviews and aren't going to forget information like this when its easily at hand. As Bashir had been Champion and Young had also "been" Champion (having not legally won it either match) neither man should have to fight in this round of the rankings, their previous status should automatically earn them a bye and they shouldn't be fighting each other either as its a pointless 2nd rubber match that no-one really wants to see. Poor match even by Bashir's standards, Young was poor too. Young took the win off a bridging suplex that was probably the best move & moment of the match. The remaining competitors were shown and I had to question why Shelley & Sabin were even getting a shot as neither man even took part in the rankings event, I have no clue who "Kiyoshi" is unless that's Tanahashi?

Backstage segment with JB talking to Mick Foley coming out of the MEM dressing room, segment with The Beautiful People and the Sarah Palin impersonator who I am assured is none other than former WCW Queen Of Scream, Daffney! Video package for new guy Brutus Magnus (Brit Nick Aldis, former swimmer, tennis player and Gladiator "Oblivion" - He is a former protege of Doug Williams and I assume this is how he got his shot in TNA)

X Division Championship Quarterfinals - Alex Shelley (with Chris Sabin) vs Jay Lethal. Lethal changed the dynamic of this match by bringing his Feast Or Fired case to the ring that The Guns felt was rightfully theirs. A better match, Lethal was owning both Shelley & Sabin until Shelley dropped Lethal on his head out of nowhere for Shelley to take the win but this was too short with not enough X Division style moves. Sabin bores us on the mic and Suicide clears the ring yet again.

Rough Cut video segment about James Storm.

Beer Bottle on a Pole Match - James Storm vs Abyss, yes the from the miniscule mind of Russo comes something else on a pole. The Stipulation being whoever grabs the beer bottle can use it legally. Abyss basically owned Storm from the get go for a good few minutes until Storm hit a super kick allowing him to get the beer bottle. Abyss countered with the Black Hole Slam only for Jaqueline to steal the beer bottle out of the ring and ran into Matt Morgan at the top of the ring. Morgan was struggling with Jaqueline at ringside and Robert Roode came down and hit the low blow then beaned Abyss with a chair allowing Storm to make the win. A standard post match beatdown, Morgan got hit with the bottle in the back of the head and Abyss made the save with a chair.

Brother Ray comes about to gab to Kurt Angle about something storyline related, no-one really cares. More backstage stuff that no-one cares about.

The Feast Or Fired reveal. 1st to open their case was Hernandez to reveal a World Title shot, 2nd to open their case was Curry Man to reveal he is fired (which he doesn't seem to understand) leaving Homicide with the X Division Title shot. All these were exactly like I predicted.

Knockout Match - Sojourner Bolt vs Christy Hemme. I'm not exactly sure why Bolt is deemed worthy of a match against Hemme who has just fought for the Knockout title? Hemme & Bolt had a nice start with holds & reversals, was this more of the training that Hemme received from AJ Styles starting to show through? Bolt mainly used power, Hemme stuck with speed and flexibility showing a nice Matrix style dodge into a Thez style press. Bolt had Hemme up to attempt a Powerbomb which Hemme countered into a roll-up to take the win. Fairly decent match but I would have liked to have seen more, it wasn't really long enough. Bolt's faceslap seemed a bit pointless as she's a nobody with no heat and this isn't going to help get Hemme or Bolt over.

Special Challenge Match - Brother Ray vs Kurt Angle. It was pretty obvious Angle was going to blindside Ray once Angle didn't enter using the lift within the 1st few seconds. Ray sold and generally put Angle over until it was his turn to be on top, Angle didn't sell as well as Ray did for him Ray did a bladejob aafter putting himself through the lower part of the stage by the ramp then the match was thrown out as the 2 of them fought into the backstage area, you had to mark for Ray blading in a match that didn't have an actual finish. Ray shot on Angle and his family after having beaten him into a stupor and Angle stalled playing scared rabbit long enough for the rest of the MEM to beatdown Ray with everything they could hit him with. Sting walked off leaving Booker & Steiner to finish the beatdown with Nash & Angle who finally threw him into a dumpster and you really have to mark out for Brother Ray for putting the MEM over like that.

Movie Review - Dune

Dune, a movie based on a series of science fiction books by Frank Herbert which are about a feudal power struggle which spans galaxies. This struggle revolves around production of a spice called Melange which can only be found on one planet in the known Universe, the planet Arrakis which is also known as Dune due to it being a desert planet where it never rains. The spice allows its users to see the future and fold space allowing faster than light interstellar travel.

Visuals in the movie come from the mind of production designer Mobius (second only to H.R. Geiger in his ability to make warped creations) so you have him to thank for the designs of all the planets and aliens based on Herberts original book ideas. Most of the film was shot in Mexico (doubling for the planet Arrakis) and the film had quite a broad cast including Sting (better known as a singer and muscian), Max Von Sydow and Patrick Stewart who really does look like a Borg in his Fremen stillsuit.

The film itself mainly exists in 4 different versions:-

Version 1 - The Theatrical cut, its probably the version most people are familiar with as its the version that is also shown on television. Director David Lynch was not 100% happy with this version so his name does not feature in the credits.

Version 2 - The David Lynch cut - This is a longer version of the movie with some newly added concept art & narration used to explain more of the background of the story of Dune. Lynch says this is the movie as he wanted it to be released & this version does carry his name in the credits, the movie has a much longer introduction similar to the original but it expands on the Universe of Dune and is voiced by a different actor than the Theatrical Cut.

Version 3 - The Extended Edition, also known as The Extended Alan Smithee Cut. Again this is a version that Lynch was unhappy about and features the name Alan Smithee in place of Lynch, Alan Smithee is a fake name used in the movie industry when someone is unhappy with the film and does not wish to take credit for it. This also has another different introduction using different concept art from the Lynch cut and restores many missing scenes to the movie making the story of Dune much easier to follow and understand. Certain effects scenes are recycled and used more than once to fill new scenes out, the film itself is just short of 3 hours long and is the longest commercially available version of Dune. The print itself is very dirty as it is widescreen and shows previously unprocessed parts of the film that had never previously been seen in other versions of the movie. This film is also sometimes referred to as the Judas Booth cut, Judas as Lynch felt betrayed and Booth (John Wilkes Booth) as Lynch felt his credibility had been assassinated.

Version 4 - The Workprint version, this is a now legendary version of Dune which is over 4 hours long and is the full uncut movie as it was shot. This was only ever screened once before the films running time was cut as they felt no-one would pay to watch a 4 hour long science fiction movie. It is unknown if any versions of this cut survive.

The Planet Arrakis is being controlled by the House Harkonen until the Galactic Emporer (Jose Ferrer) decides to pass control to the House Atreides ruled by Duke Leto (Jurgen Prochnow) with his wife Jessica (Francesca Annis) and their son Paul (Kyle MacLachlan, more famous for being in cult show Twin Peaks), the film follows their journey to Arrakis showing how Melange is used to fold space and their take over of the planet and its spice production operations.

Paul is haunted by dreams of the future that seem to come true, a plot to steal the Dukal signet ring from Leto is hatched and carried out resulting in his death and the Harkonens regain control of Arrakis. Paul and Jessica are saved from execution and flee into the desert where they meet the Fremen, the indiginous populous of Arrakis and more of Pauls dreams come true.

He shows them Atreides technology evolved around fighting with sound weapons and secretly trains their warriors to become an underground army, they use guerilla tactics to cease spice production forcing the Emporer to come to Arrakis to investigate. Paul undergoes a ritual of the Bene Gesserit sisterhood and fulfils their prophecy of being their mythical "superbeing". Paul & the Fremen battle against the Emporers troops to retake control of Arrakis for the Fremen.

The movie as such doesn't really have an ending being a film of the 1st book in quite a long series so its left very much open ended and your left wondering "so what next?" which you can only really answer if you watch the Sky remake of Dune and its futher chapters or read the remaining books. Worth adding to your collection if your a die hard Dune fan, purely in the name of completeness.

My TNA Catch-Up, Final Resolution PPV 08

Feast Or Fired - Cute Kip vs Sonjay Dutt vs Jimmy Rave vs Lance Rock vs Alex Shelley vs BG James vs Jay Lethal vs Chris Sabin vs Consequences Creed vs Curry Man vs Hernandez vs Homicide vs Shark Boy. None of the competitors got any introduction graphics and although the arena announcer was introducing each person you were unable to hear him due to them stupidly allowing West & Tenay to talk over him so anyone who had decided to watch TNA for the 1st time ever today would have had no clue who any of these people were. Apparently Petey Williams (who was on the card to be in this match) didn't get medical clearance so didn't appear, no doubt their still repackaging his comeback appearance and it clearly wasn't ready yet.

Despite having proved so incredibly unpopular with TNA fans & viewers last year TNA still decided to have this match regardless of opinions. Its the same concept as last year, a 4 briefcases on poles match where you can win either an X Division title shot, a Tag title shot, a Heavyweight title shot or you get fired. I'd already predicted a few weeks ago that Curry Man was the most likely candidate to get fired so they could drop his gimmick and bring back Christopher Daniels (who if you've been living under a rock for the last year or so is the man under the Curry Man mask).

West & Tenay did a pretty bad job of trying to cover for Lance Rock doing nothing sitting on the top turnbuckle (he could have easily grabbed the case, instead he waited for Curry Man to come over to start working him), Shark Boy made a nice Chummer on Dutt and the crowd were obviously well informed with their "Fallen Angel" chant as both Curry Man & Shark Boy climbed up to get cases 1 and 2 only for BG James to stop them. Jimmy Rave clearly wasn't too happy about being put into a Border Toss over the ropes to the floor by Hernandez (it looked sloppy on both mens parts), this allowed Hernandez to release case 4 and leave the ring with it (although why he didn't just jump off the top rope to the floor instead of jumping into the ring then stepping out to the floor is beyond me, he totally no-sold the urgency of the match there). Cute Kip really no-sold Shark Boy's Chummer (and you think a veteran like him would know how to sell a Stunner by now?) and Creed made him look even worse by showing exactly how to sell one moments later. Homicide & Curry Man duked it out over case 3 before Curry Man released it and then somersaulted off the top rope into Lance Rock & BG James so Curry Man won case 3.

The mini brawl between Lethal & Dutt was nice but Lethal hit a lovely full nelson suplex which Dutt sold very well indeed, Homicide hit Lethal with a wicked Gringo Cutter off the top rope only for Dutt to cut him off with the worlds lightest looking headbutts (these weren't the 1st light headbutts on Homicide, Curry Man had gone light on him earlier in the match so I assume the other wrestlers had been told to be careful with him as this was his 1st match back from the bad injury where he'd hit the guard rail then faceplanted into the floor at the Turning Point PPV last month. Homicide stood on Dutt's back which allowed him to unhook case 1 then slid down the pole to the floor leaving only case 2 left up for grabs.

Kip & BG's exit out of the ring was very sloppy (from guys like them I expect a lot smoother exit) and I think Dutt hurt his left knee as he was grabbing it after his cross body block onto them. I have no clue what move Shelley pulled on Rave with the assist from Sabin but it looked stunning and allowed Sabin to hit Lethal with a wicked missile dropkick off Shelley's shoulders. Shark Boy & Creed worked together to try and stop Shelley & Sabin getting the final case but Sabin DDT'd Creed as he kicked Shark Boy over. Shelley released the case but Lethal stole it and jumped to the floor winning case 2 to end the match. Jeremy Borash offers the winners the chance to walk away and forfeit their case (avoiding the chance to get fired) but no-one took the offer up, a random number was picked and case 2 belonging to Jay Lethal was opened to reveal a Tag Team title shot (which will be interesting seeing as he hasn't even currently GOT a tag partner).

My predictions for the other cases are Homicide will get the X Division title shot, Hernandez will get the Heavyweight title shot (as it's already been mooted that LAX were going to break up and this would be the perfect way to do it) and Curry Man will get fired and reveal himself to be The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels. Jay Lethal high fived Consequences Creed (so it appears he already may have a tag partner) and for some reason (no clue why) the crowd were chanting bulls**t and Borash was shooting on Shelley big time. The contents of the other 3 cases will be revealed on the next Impact on Thursday.

6 Woman Tag Team Match - Sharmell & The Beautiful People vs Roxxi, ODB & Taylor Wilde. I wish Roxxi would change those checked trousers she's recently started wearing as they really make my eyes hurt and give me a wicked headache. This is is Sharmell's 2nd match for TNA (I had to go research on Wiki, she'd been in a mixed tag match with Booker against Robert Roode & Ms Brooks. Roxxi & Wilde mainly worked most of this match against Love & Sky, Sharmell only ever entered the ring twice and neither time for very long. After ODB chased Sharmell out of the ring and into the heels entrance tunnel Taylor Wilde reversed the roll of a flying cross body block off Angelina Love to get the win for their team. This was a very scrappy match - Wilde, Roxxi & ODB are all much better workers than this and the same applies to The Beautiful People, no-one really worked anywhere close to the best of their ability here.

X Division Championship - Eric Young vs Sheik Abdul Bashir. With Shane Sewell donning the referees shirt yet again we had to hope this wouldn't be yet another gimmick finish. Young had a good match, his fall over the top rope into the guard rail looked pretty hard and it was well sold by Young. Bashir was doing mainly mat based stuff, slowing down the match at all the wrong times really. Sewell was calling this down the middle until Bashir shoved him, Young went for a sunset flip but Bashir had a hold on the top rope until Sewell interfered and kicked Bashir's hands away allowing Young to get the roll-up for the win to become the new X Division Champion.

Bashir went straight for the beatdown and Sewell pulled him away and got himself a slap in the face before finally unloading on Bashir with chops and a back body drop, Bashir nailed Sewell in the head with the tile belt before sending Young over the top rope. Sewell had done a blade job on himself (I kind of guessed this was going to happen when I noticed Sewell's wrists were taped during the match) while the camera was on Young and Bashir choked Sewell with his shamag (Not a turban West & Tenay, get your terminology right!), no doubt this was Sewell's last appearance as a referee as this was his final strike for hitting wrestlers and we're sure to see him as a wrestler fairly soon. Cornette came out to relieve Bashir of the title and Sewell was helped out of the ring by Security. West & Tenay said something will be done about the title on Thursdays Impact.

TNA Knockouts Championship - Awesome Kong (with Raisha Saeed & Rhaka Khan) vs Christy Hemme. Normally if Saeed & Khan come out with Kong there's normally going to be intereference and this did eventually prove to be the case, Hemme had a fairly decent start and things were even with Hemme using her speed and hit a wicked flying cross body block onto Kong to the floor but Kong soon powered back. Hemme has been training with AJ Styles for the last 3 months and you can see his influence in her ring work. Kong had Hemme up in some sort of modified torture rack/back breaker move and Hemme was either selling for all she was worth or it really was hurting her, Hemme defended herself against the ropes with a few good kicks then hit Kong with an excellent top rope rolling DDT that Kong sold really well indeed.

Hemme hit the FFG and went for the pin only for Saeed to pull her away to break the count so as predicted the interference did happen. Hemme fought with both Saeed & Khan outside the ring and you seriously had to question ref Andrew Thomas for not calling for the bell as soon as he saw Saeed enter the ring but he did eventually call it and I assume Hemme was given the win off a DQ by outside interference but the title didn't change hands due to the DQ. Hemme dropped Saeed and Khan distracted Hemme to allow Kong to jump Hemme, Kong pushed the ref onto the floor and even with Security Kong and Hemme carried on fighting each other. I was amazed Cornette didn't come out to make a call on this one and the crowd was chanting "Let Them Fight!" so I expect to see a rematch either on the next Impact or next PPV.

Tag Championship - Matt Morgan & Abyss vs Beer Money. Abyss started by chasing James Storm in revenge for being jumped after Beer Money got him drunk last week on Impact. Abyss chased Storm out of the arena with Roode following them, Abyss reversed them both back to ringside where Morgan launched himself onto Beer Money from the top rope. Beer Money bailed out up the ramp and the bell was finally rung, Ref Rudy Charles had said if Beer Money didn't get into the ring before a 10 count they would have forfeit the titles but they made it back just in time. Neither Storm nor Roode wanted to square off with Abyss who was understandably PO'd after having 2 bottles smashed over his head on the last Impact.

Once Morgan came in Beer Money finally started fighting but Storm wouldn't tag back in and stayed away from the apron every time Roode tried to tag Storm in with Abyss. The crowd were chanting "Beer Money Sucks!" and Jaqueline interefered holding Morgan allowing Beer Money to get the upper hand, having already worked on Morgans knee Roode took out Morgans leg and Morgan made really awful sell on it. Abyss finally got tagged in and unloaded on Roode then Storm who he chokeslammed before putting Storm up into the Shock Treament backbreaker with Roode breaking the count on 2. Storm was thrown a bottle by Jaqueline which Abyss stopped, Jaqueline blocked Abyss hitting Storm who put on brass knucks and hit Abyss (I have NO clue what the cameras were looking at on the ramp when they cut away - edit:- it was Storm throwing the knucks away) and Beer Money made the pin to retain the title. This was a pretty awful match and I wouldn't have even given it away for free on Impact. Beer Money are awful champions as neither of them are very good workers and their even worse as a tagteam. If TNA is seriously looking to fire anyone to save money then Roode & Storm should seriously be at the top of the list. They may be over like crazy as heels but they can't wrestle for s**t.

The Motor City Machineguns come out to the ring expecting Mick Foley to overturn the Feast Or Fired Result and instead Jim Cornette says he's off to get the biggest Security Guys to get them out of the ring (I was half expecting him to return with Ron & Don Harris), and Suicide (Frankie "Kaz" Kazarian) deathslides into the ring finally making the characters debut after all the months of video packages and takes out both Shelley & Sabin who seriously sell for him in a big way.

Rhino vs Kurt Angle - With Mick Foley as special enforcer, the stipulations are as follows:- If Angle loses he leaves TNA, If Angle wins he gets a match wih Jeff Jarrett. Despite being the special enforcer it didn't actually mean Foley was the referee, instead he was there to make sure other members of The Main Event Mafia from interfering in this match. Rather unsurprisingly this was all power and mat work as neither guy is fast or a high flyer. Angle can throw well but good throws don't make for a good match, generally this was deathly boring and the only real point of interest was who if anyone was the person Angle said would deal with Mick Foley. Rhino accidently took out the ref and Angle grabbed a chair allowing Rhino to hit Angle with a nice schoolboy, Rhino made a nice superplex and then Al Snow came down the ramp distracting Foley and slapping his face. Angle beaned Rhino with the chair as Foley was distracted out of the ring then hitting the Angle slam and Foley made the 3 count earning Kurt Angle his match against Jeff Jarrett and I have to wonder if Al Snow's appearance here tonight was a 1 off or not.

World Heavywight Championship - Booker T, Kevin Nash, Sting & Scott Steiner vs AJ Styles, Samoa Joe & Team 3D. If The TNA Frontline Faction win here AJ Styles gets the title. Styles & Booker kicked off the final match of the night and Booker looked like a drunk Giraffe with his sloppy knee lifts (he even makes Dennis Rodman look good!), Styles connected a few good punches then Brother Ray was tagged in and Steiner came in for the MEM. Ray was channeling Dusty Rhodes before hitting a variant of the Rock Bottom then tagged Joe in who just owned Steiner prior to an eyerake then Sting came in. Joe connected with chops and kicks and Sting sold them all coming back with an eyerake and and scoopslam before bringing in Nash. Devon worked the MEM well before Sting distracted him and Nash connected with the big boot to a sideslam. I'm not sure if Devon was hurt or winded as you very clearly heard him say "Oh, s**t" when Steiner kicked Devon in the side. Joe came in and was eventually selling for the MEM but not even Joe can sell Bookers god awful knee lifts which get worse the more he does them, Joe sold a nice overhead suplex off Steiner but this match was starting to feel overly long and boring.

Styles was tagged in to work the last 5 minutes against the whole MEM with Nash guiding him in ring and Brother Ray shouting moves from the apron (you could very clearly hear him shout "Pele" seconds before AJ did the move to Nash, everyone got in the ring and chaos ensued with Joe & Sting as the legal men and everyone hitting their signature moves but Nash stopped Joe hitting the Muscle Buster with a low blow allowing Sting to hit the Scorpion Death Drop to take the win for The Main Event Mafia. Joe & AJ probably had the best match of everyone here, I have no idea why Booker was waving his belt around after the match as its not like it was on the line or anything. Sting left the ring alone with the rest of the Mafia celebrating but looking very confused.

Hulk Hogans Celebrity championship Wrestling mini review show 8

It's the final show and you'd think after 5 weeks of using the celebs in ring names Brian Knobbs would have been able to get Todd Bridges characters name right. This weeks pretraining briefing was given in the actual competion ring and area, the celebs do not learn ANY new moves this week but all 4 of them are told they will have to learn the moves for 2 totally different matches as everyone will be involved in a tag match and the best 2 will go forward to a 1 on 1 final for the title. Dustin Diamond is given practice on his weak and sloppy chops working with everyone else and the 2 trainers and Knobbs flubs Todds persona name yet again.

Everyone struggles to follow the sequence of moves for the tag match because they can't remember the huge amount of moves their required to do although after a few physical run-throughs it appears the celebs have got it down.

The Matches - Jabroni Match - Candy Girl, Tiffany & Frank J "Cleopatra" Stallone vs Mistress Of Mayhem (Mom) & The Redhot Redneck. Basically this is an all girl match with Stallone acting as a manager. Redneck was selling well as she'd been in the longest of all the women, Tiffany sold a nice looking stunner off Redneck and Mom came in to get the win off Tiffany with a flying cross body block. Post Match we had a face off between Stallone & Danny Bonneduche but it only amounted to 1 punch then Stallone bolted.

Finalists Tag Match - Mr Not So Perfect & The Winner vs One Mean Bean & Rodzilla.

Perfect & Winner stormed Rodzilla & Bean as instructed in their prematch training, Bean & Rodzilla managed to quickly regain control with a meeting of the minds then Winner was sent over the ropes for Perfect to work Rodzilla. Heels Winner & Perfect were selling really well for the faces and Perfect made a nice flying cross body block onto Bean who was outside the ring on the floor, Winner nailed an awful clothesline with brass knucks (it was hard to see if Diamond delivered it badly or Butterbean sold it badly) allowing Perfect to hit a nice flying splash on Bean who came back to take out the heels with a double clothesline, Rodzilla made some sloppy clotheslines but the bodyslams looked ok. Bean & Rodzilla pinned a man each and they took the win.

During the judges critique Bischoff tells Rodman everything he does looks believable, so he wasn't watching those p**s poor sloppy clothesines in this match then? Jimmy Hart days he'd sign Butterbean if he were managing again, Hogan tells Bridges he took a big risk and then tells Diamond he did a good job. Dennis Rodman & Todd Bridges move forward to the final match.

Mr Not So Perfect vs Rodzilla - We hadn't seen any of the practice for the final match but it wasn't really all that impressive and was mainly Perfect selling for Rodzilla until Perfect put Rodzilla through a table at ringside. Perfect made a better sunset flip (so he's been practicing there then), Rodzilla wasn't exactly doing many of the moves they'd been taught and Perfect sold the middle rope flying clothesline but neither of these guys really impressed because neither man really tried to do any of the moves they'd been taught over the 8 weeks. Rodman took the harder bumps (into the post and the table) so it was very hard to call but I would have sooner seen an decent match with moves than the showy match they decided to go for.

Hogan says both guys are even so he makes the call and gives the Celebrity Championship Wrestling title to Dennis "Rodzilla" Rodman who we knew had won the title before the 1st show ever aired. Clearly Hogan had decided ahead of time his old WCW friend was going to win so that was a bit of a fix really.

My Weekly TNA Catch-up, Impact 4th Dec 08

Show opens with The Main Event Mafia coming out to whine that Team 3D fooled them & Team 3D's response. Lots of backstage garbage, no-one cares about the upcoming appearance of TNA's hired Sarah Palin impersonator.

Legends Championship (AKA Belt I Bought) Samoa Joe vs Booker T. We were 17 minutes into the show and finally got our 1st bit of wrestling. Wow but was this awful! Booker did almost nothing and Joe sold it all. It's hard to know how much of the match we missed with the 1st badly timed ad break of the night but it couldn't have been that much better than the rest of this pretty mediocre match. Joe had it won as Booker tapped out but Sharmell kept the ref distracted on the apron allowing The Beautiful People to come down, spray Joe in the face and Booker took the win off the axekick. Awful match, I wouldn't have even given this garbage away for for free. Lasted 5 minutes. Why even bother?

ODB's Angle - After the trainwreck that was the last of these their STILL having another? ODB talks to Roxxi & Taylor Wilde.

Mixed Tag Contest - Awesome Kong (with Raisha Saeed & Rhaka Khan) & Scott Steiner vs Christy Hemme & AJ Styles. Talk about a complete mismatch contest. 2 super heavyweights versus 1 almost heavyweight and a total lightweight in Hemme. We were 38 minutes into the show before this 2nd match got underway so it's really starting to show in a very painful way how badly TNA are struggling to fill their "2 hours" of tv time. Styles & Steiner kicked this off with Steiner using his power and Styles bringing it back to level with with his speed. Kong taking AJ's legs out when he hit the apron, damn but that looked like a hard bump! This match was also interupted with yet another badly timed ad break. You'd think TNA would have learned to not take a break during a match after 6 years but it appears not. Hemme sold a couple of stiff looking clotheslines off Kong, but Hemme took the win of a great looking assisted DDT on Kong. Yet another match that was only just over 5 minutes long with little to no heat at all for any of the participants.

6 Man Tag Match - Jimmy Rave, Sonjay Dutt (with SoCal Val) & Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Consequences Creed, Jay Lethal & Eric Young. Wow, could they have made it any clearer here? It's Heel team versus Face team with Shane Sewell as referee, Bashir left the apron to join West & Tenay at the colour desk. So 50 minutes into the show & we're getting match number 3. Considering this was a ring full of X Division guys this was an incredibly weak match with almost no aerial stuff, no fast or high flying moves. Only Sonjay Dutt making a very early reverse somersault backsplash along with Creed's double cross body block were the real highlights of the match, Creed took the win off Rave using the TKO. This match didn't even make it to 5 minutes in duration.

Filling the show with yet more blah, blah, blah - Kurt Angle speaks to Jeff Jarrett.

Sting vs Rhino. Well it was a non-title match so it didn't really matter who won or lost here. Once the bell had rung there was only just over 8 minutes left until the show ended so we weren't going to get any kind of decent match in that amount of time. Sting bailed from the ring early allowing Rhino to put him into 2 different guard rails then do a well concealed bladejob on himself. Yet another badly timed ad break during the match (so tonight TNA took ad breaks in 99% of their matches seeing as only 1 match didn't have an ad break taken during its run unless I missed it) I assume sending Angle & Styles out as cheerleaders was a Russo idea (seeing as it's practically the next thing to a run-in which he normally thinks is a good idea), Sting had this one won with the Scorpion Leglock but Angle distracted the ref long enough for Rhino to be released and hit the Gore to take the win. And the final match of the night only lasted 4 minutes and 20 something seconds.

Apparently this weeks Impact attracted a record number of viewers, its a shame they got such a god awful show with so little actual wrestling in it to watch. It'll probably put off at least 50% of them thinking TNA are just like WWE (it actually stands for We Won't Entertain) in that they do lots of talking and backstage storyline garbage but hardly any wrestling. In this weeks show we only got 4 matches and they were all pretty awful. I have to assume everyone held back their A game and gave their Q game this week because they wanted to keep something in reserve for this weekends PPV. It's pretty sad to think that the sum total of tonights actual on screen wrestling amounted to about 19 minutes of action. So more time was spent in commercial breaks than was spent on actual wrestling. If TNA continue down this avenue we'll have to rename them to Theres No Action.

Hulk Hogans Celebrity championship Wrestling mini review show 7

This weeks show opens with the celebs bitching about how stiff a worker Dennis is, obviously he isn't there and their happy to talk behind his back. Brutus & Knobbs turn up then Dennis finally shows up. Brutus tells the celebs not to bitch, they should consider payback instead. Bischoff briefs the celebs on this weeks 3 moves telling them he's only going to tell them about 2 of the moves at that moment.

This weeks moves are The Arm Drag and The Basic Chop. Bischoff tells them Hulk Hogan is going to teach them the final move and Hulk comes into the ring to show them this weeks 3rd move, The Bodyslam. After Rodman fails to even pick Butterbean up Danny bets he can slam Bean and fails.

Hogan asks if Brutus can slam Bean and he also fails. During practice Rodman doesn't want to practice doing chops with Bean as he knows Bean will chop him harder. Hogan arrives to watch Bean & Rodman training and offers advice. Hogan also goes to watch training for the triple threat match and tells them to bring it. Todd gets angry with Dustin for offering tips on acting, during a break in training Hogan brings in a Doctor to check out the celebs for fitness. Dustin gives the Doctor a huge list of problems as he's being checked out.

The Matches. Triple Threat Match - The Winner vs Mr Not So Perfect vs Dangerous Danny Bonneduche.

After a bit of mime theatre to forge an alliance Danny & Winner double team Perfect who takes a nice double bodyslam. Danny & Winner chop on Perfect as Hogan says the chops look weak. Winner went to the outside to work Perfect & Danny who worked a great double noggin knocker. Perfect got a 2nd wind kicking holy heck out of Danny hitting a lovely arm drag in the ring. Danny missed a forehead to the top turnbuckle and you had to wonder if he hurt himself, Perfect hit the flip into Danny and sent him over the ring allowing Winner to come back in to get his own bodyslam.

Perfect made a nice flying cross body block into Danny & Winner then Winner missed a bad kick to the midsection that Danny sold and shouldn't have, Winner got caught in a nice schoolboy by Perfect but Danny had to yank him off to stop the pin. After working the ropes Danny & Perfect flubbed an awful looking double clothesline (clearly they hadn't practiced it and went for the move on the fly). Winner hit 2 clotheslines on Danny & Perfect with some sort of foreign object in his armpad pinning both guys to take the win and got good heat from the crowd.

Big Man Match - One Mean Bean vs Rodzilla.

We have a very long staredown the Rodzilla takes the upper hand beating Bean down in the corner and biting him on the head. Clearly one of Rodzilla's shots had gone astray as Beans nose was bleeding when they showed him looking "dazed" which Bischoff noticed and mentioned clearly. Rodzilla tried a couple of shoulder charges at Bean which just bounced off the big man who then sent Rodzilla over the top rope to the floor. Bean went right after him smashing Rodzilla head first into the apron then the guard rail which Rodzilla sold well.

Rodzilla tried to bodyslam Bean who powered out of it then hit Rodzilla with a double axehandle to the back. Bean then bodyslammed Rodzilla on the mats outside the ring then picked Rodzilla up and bodyslammed him through a table leaving Hogan to wonder if Rodman was ok to carry on. Bean hit Rodzilla with a wickedly stiff looking chairshot across the back and rolled him back into the ring. Bean hit the splash but Rodzilla kicked out, Bean hit a big chop then splashed Rodzilla into the corner. Bean connected with a 2nd cornersplash but Rodzilla kicked out from Beans elbowdrop.

Rodzilla then started to get his wind doing his own impression of Hulking Out with Bean soaking up 2 weak looking clotheslines from Rodzilla. Bean was taken down with a flying forearm and Rodzilla was caught off the ropes trying his patented flying clothesline finisher for Bean to hit a nice singlearm slam (almost like Abyss's Black Hole Slam) to take the win. Post match Rodzilla smashed Bean with a trashcan to the head as he was celebrating and hit him with one across the back and sent him to the floor.

Bischoff tells Rodman he works too stiff, Hogan tells Bridges he needs more control, Bischoff tells Bean he makes him believe his character but some of his covers were weak. Hogan doesn't like Dustin's chops and kicks and tells Danny he doesn't hit hard enough. Danny Bonneduche is finally eliminated (for a second time).

My Weekly TNA Catch-up, Impact 27th Nov 08

Show kicks off with Rhino leading the TNA "originals" out to the ring and tells the crowd he has named their group TNA Frontline.

Turkey Bowl Semi final match - Sonjay Dutt vs Rhino vs Hernandez. I wondered exactly why they jumped straight to semi-finals then decided I didn't care. Dutt had the upper hand for all of about 12 seconds then Rhino & Hernandez double teamed him right out of the ring leaving them to test each other to no outcome. Dutt came back in to work Rhino and it was pretty stupid to have a small fast guy using technical mat work on Rhino. Not a great match by any of these 3 guys standards, Rhino took the win off a gore on Dutt who sold it well.

Turkey Bowl Semi final match - Consequences Creed vs Cute Kip vs Alex Shelley. Creed & Shelley had fairly decent matches, Kip did almost nothing. Shelley got the win off Creed with some sort of headscissors hold.

Turkey Bowl Semi final match - Jimmy Rave vs Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Matt Morgan. Ok, I know some Americans can be a tad stupid but surely even the most stupid must know you can only have an even number of semi-finals and this is the 3rd of 3? Rave & Bashir were running the double team here and it was a bad idea having Shane Sewell in charge of this match. Morgan had an average match at best with Rave & Bashir putting him over big time. Morgan's double fall-away slam was a nice touch but Bashir got the win off Rave using the WMD.

Knockout Match - Raisha Saeed (with Awesome Kong & Rhaka Khan) vs Christy Hemme. The stipulation here is if Hemme wins she gets a title shot at the PPV. Hemme had a good start but Saeed came back too quickly and obviously Kong interfered when Hemme was sent out of the ring. It looked like Saeed was going for the Awesome Bomb but Hemme reversed it into a really nice roll-up to take the win. Kong coming in to beat Hemme down was nothing but predictable.

Turkey Bowl final - Alex Shelley vs Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Rhino. The winner gets $25,000, the loser has to wear a Turkey Suit. I assume they class the loser as whoever the winner pins to get the win. Bashir & Shelley went for the double team on Rhino who used his power to put a quick stop to that. Shelley was sent to the floor allowing Rhino to work Bashir, Shelley stopped the pin and Bashir stopped the next one. Bashir kept castigating Shelley about trying to pin Rhino but it didn't stop them continuing to work together. Bashir put an end to the team after a quick clothesline and Bashir working over Shelley allowed Rhino to catch his breath then hit Bashir with a clothesline and Shelley with the gore to get the win and the $25 grand cheque. Mick Foley comes out and awards Rhino his winners cheque (during a badly timed break), Foley then tells Shelley to put the Turkey Suit on or get fired then gives him a 10 count to put the costume on. Foley's fake laugh and even worse sexual innuendo jokes didn't improve an awful angle that really didn't get much of a crowd reaction. After flipping the bird to Foley Shelley found himself on the wrong end of a double underhook slam.

AJ Styles, Samoa Joe & Rhino come out as The TNA Frontline to see where Team 3D have decided to place their loyalties. The Main Event Mafia come out instead of 3D, Kurt Angle announces Team 3D as the lastest members of MEM and 3D come out in the suits and exit from the Heel entrance. After a super long speech from Brother Ray we get a mega swerve and Team 3D join the The TNA Frontline. Sting had to give Kurt Angle directions which allowed him to be dragged under the rope and escape a 3D into a table.

Hulk Hogans Celebrity championship Wrestling mini review show 6

Brutus has bleached his hair blond and Knobbs tells the other celebs Danny Bonneduche was hurt but not badly hurt. Dustin Diamond mouthes off to Todd Bridges about hit getting hit last week and Bridges goes apeshit about and tells Diamond if he wants to bitch then he should back his words up with deeds. Diamond gets put in his place like the bitch he is by Bridges, you can now basically say Bridges owns Diamond. Knobbs tells the celebs to get geared up as their going on a field trip and the celebs all don protective clothing and take them off to a local junkyard.

At the junkyard Bischoff tells them this weeks match will be a hardcore no rules match. The celebs are then sent to find weapons and then let off steam by using them on a car. Back at the complex in the rec room after a short chat about how they felt about beating up a car Danny Bonneduche walks into the room. Bonneduche doesn't believe he's been eliminated because it hasn't been said to his face. Danny meets with Hogan who tells him what happened last week. Dustin Diamond goes over to speak to Hogan as well and interrupts him & Bonneduche who then goes off at Diamond after he said he'd worked injured (Calling him a liar? Speak to your lawyer about how sensible that was Danny).

Hogan says to settle it they should have a Falls Count Anywhere match and then later in the ring tells the other celebs they will be in the hardcore match. This weeks 3 new moves are demonstrated on Brian Knobbs, how to Hit In The Back (Hogan does a chairshot across the back), Hit In The Head (Hogan gives Knobbs a trashcan shot to the noggin) and Hit In The Gut (again using a foreign object, I think it was a baking tray?).

The celebs start practising taking the various moves from Knobbs & Brutus, Trishelle goes off to the medic after taking her chair to the back. Dustin & Danny are then taken off to the other ring by Brutus to practice working their Falls Count Anywhere match. After blocking out a whole ton of ideas Danny suddenly goes crackers after Diamond hits him in the head with a trashcan in the ring.

Hogan comes in to give everyone a quick peptalk then brings in this weeks expert - Bill Goldberg and they then show Bill the 3 moves they learnt this week. Goldberg then asks Danny to show him a trashcan shot. Goldberg says the 1st is weak as is the 2nd but Butterbean slaps Danny around the face then Goldberg says the 3rd hit is ok. Goldberg asks if he can take a powerslam, hits Danny with a hard one then promptly leaves.

The Matches. Hardcore match - Mr Not-So Perfect & One Mean Bean vs The Redhot Redneck & Rodzilla.

There had been no mention that this was going to be a tag match as well so that was quite an interesting surprise, Redneck was sent to the floor early leaving Bean & Perfect to doubleteam Rodzilla who ducked a chairshot so Perfect ending up clocking Bean and allowing The Redneck to re-enter later hitting Perfect with a nice chair to the back which Perfect sold pretty well. This wasn't pretty and it didn't look very practiced either. Lots of weapons used on everyone, mark for the various ladder hits taken by Rodzilla. I assume when he got smashed in the head by Perfect's tea-tray as he was still tied up in the ring that one genuinely hurt him as you could clearly see the swearword he said. Butterbean got put through a table (well he did eventually) and Rodzilla took the pin for his team. Not a brilliant match but it had its moments.

Falls Count Anywhere Hardcore match - The Winner vs Dangerous Danny Bonneduche. Winner started stomping on Danny just as he rolled into the ring, Winner then hit a nice bulldog that Hogan liked. Danny got his wind and worked Winner from corner to corner, Winner was sent to the floor and Danny followed with a nice cross bodyblock. Danny took a nice hit to the ringsteps then they both fought their way down the tunnel and into the locker room and Perfect got involved. Danny gave a weak trashcan shot and sent Winner through a door then Danny was sent through the set wall. Winner eventually dragged Danny back up the tunnel into the ring beaning Danny in the head with a cookie sheet before missing an elbowdrop. Danny missed either a frogsplash or missile dropkick attempt (I couldn't tell what he was going to attempt) then Winner DDT'd Danny into a steel chair taking the win. Very good match indeed.

Trishelle is eliminated after admitting she didn't give 100% this week.

Movie Review - Futurama - Bender's Game

This is the 3rd full length movie offering from Fox & Matt Groening based on the Futurama franchise. The fact that they managed to get 3 movies out so fast should really speak volumes as to both it's quality and quantity.

Once again we're following the exploits of the employees of Planet Express based in New New York and this is yet another movie where Bender gets to be the lead character or not so much in this case. You'd think that'd be true from the title but Fry & Leela probably manage to get just as much screen time as our favourite wisecracking Mexican alcoholic robot.

In a pretty convoluted story featuring games of Dungeons & Dragons (a game thats pretty much only really popular in America so most of the planet aren't going to get any of those jokes), Dark Matter as a fuel source, A love triangle involving Professor Farnsworth & Mom, A secret child revealed and some more of the background of Nibbler's people you get the bare bones for this movie.

Most of the movie is recycled ideas that have been used before including Bender going mad (which spawned an entire episode called "Insane In The Mainframe" and almost all of those ideas are re-used here), Nibbler's poop being a useful fuel source and Farnsworth working for & having romantic feelings for Mom. So not much has been done in the way of new material for the script.

The journey into Benders Game is due to Bender going insane by playing Dungeons & Dragons after being encouraged to use his imagination by Cubert Farnsworth, the entire of reality collapses and Fry & friends all fall into the Domain as imagined by Bender.

Leela becomes a Centaur (explaining the image on the cover) as does Hermes who also manages to grow breasts for some unexplained reason. The Professor is a Gandalf like wizard character and Zoidberg goes from being a friendy monster (who is decapitated by an extremely angry Leela) to just a pink head on tentacles in an idea they totally stole from The Mighty Boosh.

Fry becomes Gollum or the next worst thing and Mom is the evil in the land so no real change in her character there. There's a really annoying Star Wars reference and everyone comes back to reality and the plot (what little there is of it) is resolved in an ending with several twists that I won't reveal.

Diehard Futurama fans MIGHT like it with a good reason for the very big emphasis on might. It's mostly awful, very unoriginal like it's forebears and has already gone straight to dvd bypassing the cinema altogether. Expect to see it in it's episodical format on Sky One in 2009.

My Weekly TNA Catch-up, Impact 20th Nov 08

The Main Event Mafia give Christian Cage "a proper burial" (a storyline designed to allow Cage to return to WWE with the minimum fuss). Angle asks if anyone wants to speak and Rhino comes out making a nice shoot on big wage packets. Booker T invites Rhino to come down to the ring and you didn't need to be a genius to guess Rhino did & got the tar beat out of him.

Tag Match - Sonjay Dutt (with SoCal Val) & Tanahashi vs Consequences Creed & Jay Lethal - My 1st question here would be what happened to Tanahashi's normal tag partner Volador, I assume he had commitments back with CML? Good match, I was too busy watching and enjoying it to write much about it ;-) Creed won off the TKO in Dutt.

Video insert, it seems that despite the fact it was so unpopular with TNA viewers they will be re-using the idea of Feast Or Fired. Has anyone read any rumours of talent asking about their release? Or is this their way of finally binning the Curry Man gimmick and for Christopher Daniels to finally unmask himself?

Backstage segment - As predicted by me last week Jim Cornette made Shane Sewell take the X Division Title from Eric Young and give it back to Sheik Abdul Bashir. Sewell is placed on probabtion under threat of firing.

Knockout Tagmatch - The Beautiful People (with Cute Kip) vs Sojournor Bolt & Christy Hemme. This is Bolt's 1st appearance since 28th Aug when she jobbed to Awesome Kong. I can't recall if Bolt was as chunky or topheavy then as she is now but that girl has some meat on her bones! Bolt & Love kicked this off with Bolt selling well on a pretty awful looking kick from Love. Bolt was selling well for Sky but she was given the chance to show off a few moves. Hemme got a stupidly short run in the ring before Love won off the Lights Out on Hemme after a rubbish distraction by Kip.

New segment - ODB's Angle. I guess this is letting us know Kurt's wife is well and truly unemployed now? ODB's guest was Sharmell. Oh dear.

Tag Match - The Motor City Machineguns vs Samoa Joe & AJ Styles. This is a match that Mick Foley made near the start of the show. It's a bit weird having an all face tagmatch but it's probably part of an ongoing Russo plan to have the Gun's turn heel that's been going on for what seems like forever. Yet another awesome match that I spent watching so haven't written much about it. AJ's Pele totally missed and whoever was in the camera control room really screwed up by showing the angle they did. TOO MUCH AIR! AJ took the win with the Styles Clash off Shelley. The Nash, Booker & Angle run-in and beatdown was utterly pointless, you can't get cheap heat from a storyline no-one really cares about. Sending Creed & Lethal out was stupid and badly timed (if Russo sent them out he's got even less of a clue than I credited as having because it was way too late and the wrong people to send out against the bigger more experienced vets), they were feeding in crowd noise as the Impact Zone crowd weren't reacting to this at all, neither cheering or booing. It makes the show look bad when the only heat a beatdown gets is no heat and no reaction from a crowd normally packed to the gills with marks.

Raisha Saeed mouthes off at Traci Brooks in her office threatening that Kong will take matters into her own hands. Way to sell Traci as in a position of authority Saeed you idiot! More on the "respect" storyline from the face locker room with Rhino. It's pretty clear this angle isn't going away but its awful and todays crowd reactions are a clear indicator that everyone hates it.

Legends Championship Match (aka Belt I Bought) Eric Young vs Booker T. This was a match made earlier in the show after Cornette made Young hand back the X Division belt. If your upset by how I refer to this title then I'm sorry but I will continue to use the AKA until someone wins it because they earned it and didn't pay for it. With Sharmell at ringside I didn't expect this meaningless title to change hands. As I was watching the people who do stills pictures at ringside I was trying to decide if one of them was Russo as he was the right build, height and hair colour. This was one of Booker's standard slow and very boring matches with all the good moves coming from Young. Clearly Booker was too heavy for Young to do the Death Valley Driver properly (Eric had to let him go early and let Bookers own weight put him flat on his back), Booker kicked out and after interference from Sharmell Booker took the win off the axekick.

Tagteam Grudge Match - Kevin Nash & Kurt Angle vs Matt Morgan & Abyss. It's hard to know exactly why this is classed as a grudge match as the only 2 of these guys that have any previous heat are Abyss & Angle who kicked this off. They HAD heat, past tense. And artificially created heat at that. They don't have anymore and it wasn't very good heat then. This was generally awful (like most matches involving Angle or Nash in fact) and they took a badly timed break to show the trailer for the new Star Trek prequal movie that everyone hates already. The match stayed generally awful and the stroll-in by Beer Money was always going to lead to some sort of interference but having Abyss throw Angle out of the ring and start fighting with Beer Money to get to him before going back to the ring was an interesting idea. Nash got the cover on Abyss after Storm smashed an obviously fake beer bottle over his head. Weak finish to a really awful match.

Mick Foley comes out to announce the 2 joint main event matches for the upcoming PPV.
Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner & Sting vs Samoa Joe, AJ Styles and 2 as yet un-named wrestlers.

If The Main Event Mafia win Sting keeps his title, if they lose AJ Styles wins the belt. Odd stipulation. Why not just have an outright title match?
Kurt Angle vs Rhino. Kurt Angle comes out looking miffed because he can't fight Jeff Jarrett and if he can't have him he wants Mick Foley instead. Jarrett comes out after Angle hit Foley and cites "My company, my rules". Jarrett says if he beats Rhino at the PPV he gets his match with Jarrett but if Angle loses his TNA contract becomes null & Void. Angle slaps Jarrett and gets gored by Rhino.

Movie Review - The Mutant Chronicles

For a film thats listed on Wikipedia as "released in an unfinished form" this is pretty good. Take bits of Silent Hill, Quake 4, The Trench and other various weird and wonderful sci-fi, horror and fantasy films and you get The Mutant Chronicles.

I personally haven't heard of the Role Playing Game this is based on (because I'm not that much of a nerd) but fans of Silent Hill and Quake 4 will all be crying that this has mercilessly ripped off their ideas. Which is completely wrong as the original RPG was written way back in 1993 predating Quake 4 by 12 years and Silent Hill by 6 years so it appears the plot of this game has proved to be very influential indeed.

Thomas Jane is your heroic lead as Mitch Hunter (it's not worth talking about his military rank because it's constantly referred to as different ranks by different characters as they speak to or about him and thats this films first, worst and biggest goof). Exactly why Thomas Jane got this job is hard to know as this is only really his 3rd big movie having previously starred in The Mist (and we had no clue why he was the star in that either), The Punisher (the incredibly weak remake that made Dolph Lungren's version look good) and Deep Blue Sea so he's hardly what you call star material. I assume they cast him because he looked good in the costume and gave off a suitably pretty vibe to the women in the room.

If we're honest John Malkovich is the biggest star in the movie but he's not in it for long (a lot like Sean Pertwee who only appears at the start and end of the film, I felt his character was a complete waste of time) which really makes Ron Perlman (playing religious cleric Brother Samuel) the biggest star in the film but he plays his role like he's only turning up for the wage packet which should really make the producers of Hellboy pretty nervous about getting a 3rd film out of their franchise.

The lesser known members of the cast are the real stars here, people like Devon Aoki as Valerie Duval (probably better known for her role in Sin City and I'm really pleased to see her get a decent well rounded role like this) are the ones who truly shine in roles that don't get much dialogue but the performers really make the most of their characters.

Set in some far flung future after an Ice Age a spaceship lands on Earth and starts turning humans into Mutants using a machine that utilizes dead and dying human bodies as source material. A group of soldiers from all the largest surviving groups manage to seal the spaceship underground effectively ending the mutant threat.

That is until there is global civil war between the various human factions (Fans of Ion Storms Daikatana will think they stole the name Mishima for Asia but the RPG predates the game by 4 years) breaks the seal on the door containing the mutant making spaceship and the nasty
mutants are released once more onto an unsuspecting Earth.

The civil war scenes look like a cross between World War 1 (right down to the Allied and German looking costumes and some equipment) and some sort of Steampunk inspired nightmare although the mutants themselves do look as though they were lifted right off the set of Silent Hill or from the Strogg sections of Quake 4.

The clerics lead by Brother Samuel decide their only hope for survival is a suicide mission to plant a long forgotten bomb back into the machine in hopes of stopping production of any further mutants and the chosen group of disgruntled killers is sent off to find a way down to
the machine to plant the bomb.

Obviously various members of the group get killed along the way, I won't say who or when as it's more fun to try and guess who is going to get killed next and how. The ending is fairly ambiguous, it does have a resolution of sorts but it left me feeling like they'd cut at least 30
minutes of material to get to the end titles quickly.

I did enjoy the film but it felt like it hadn't been resolved completely at the end, if this was due to the fact they say the film is unfinished then that's understandable. If it was because they were hoping to get a sequel its also a fairly justified reason.

Hulk Hogans Celebrity championship Wrestling mini review show 5

Bischoff tells the celebs that they are no longer 2 sets of teams but are now all competing against each other individually and that the next match will be a Battle Royal but not with standard rules because as well as being able to eliminate someone by sending them over the top rope they can also eliminate them by using a finishing move.

This weeks 3 new moves to learn are Over The Top (safely going over the top rope to the floor), Duck & Boost (the crouching shoulder lift over the ropes). The celebs are told they will learn the 3rd move later. Todd Bridges hurts his gonads on his 1st attempt at the Over The Ropes and Butterbean fails several times before needing a boost over from Brutus Beefcake. Brian Knobbs then gets them doing the Duck & Boost. When learning a combination eye rake and throw over the top ropes Dennis Rodman manages to injure Sammy, one of the jobbers who were helping to train the celebs (it actually turns out he broke his wrist!). Dustin Diamond leaves to get checked out by the medic as he's complaining of a shoulder problem.

Danny Bonneduche finally arrives to practice as Brutus Beefcake is practicing elbowdrops on Todd Bridges who is curled up in the top ropes in a corner and starts practicing the moves as Hulk Hogan arrives with RVD who comes to teach them about finishing or signature moves. RVD shows the celebs his 5 Star Frogsplash using Brian Knobbs as his partner, Bonneduche looks amazed and stunned and RVD explains the oversell of the move.

RVD asks to see what the celebs have done so far and Bonneduche (who had only been practicing for 45 minutes) steps up to go Over The Top and totally f**ks up the landing (they say he caught the apron, personally I think he totally missed it and took the full impact on his toes and jarred his spine), the medic calls for an ambulance and Bonneduche is taken away on a stretcher wearing a neck collar to be checked by the EMT's in hospital.

Rodman uses the midrope clothesline that he's been doing since day 1 (I assume he learnt that in his WCW days?) as his finishing move and RVD likes it. Butterbean uses the bellyslam as his finisher. Trishelle hasn't got anything so RVD teaches her a nice bridging submission move. Todd Bridges shows the somersault flip into a corner splash he's also been using since the 1st week but RVD doesn't think theres enough of it and suggests adding a sunset flip (actually it would have been easier and better looking if they'd done either a monkeyflip style Irish Whip or schoolboy roll-up out of the corner as both were more logical moves and they already knew the schoolboy anyway). Dustin Diamond decides to use the DDT as his finisher. As Brian Knobbs gives an end of day talk to the celebs we get to see Sammy stood in the ring wearing a plastercast and sling on his broken wrist.

With 4 hours until the match everyone goes to practice with Knobbs telling them they have no idea if Bonneduche is going to show or not but either way the match will go on. Everyone works everyone else with plenty of preset moves thought out and practiced ahead of time, in the locker room before the match Knobbs gives everyone a pep talk and tells them that they are now all members of Team Hogan.

The Match. 5 Person Battle Royal.

As we already know this is a Battle Royal, it was going to be 6 people but Bonneduche cried off with his injury which was no-one's fault but his own. The Winner & Mr No-So Perfect kick this one off, after some showboating to the crowd for cheap heat by both of them Winner hits Perfect with a nicely sold kick to the midsection and an eyerake. Perfect worked the ropes and ran into Winner's back elbow as Winner then stomped Perfect in the gut as he lay on the canvas. Winner strutted into a good elbowdrop on Perfect who was taken over the ropes but managed to reverse himself back in and didn't look too bad doing it either.

Perfect hit Winner with a midsection kick of his own (Diamond really can sell them well!) and then took Winner over to smack him into the top turnbuckle several times. Perfect nailed Winner with a nice forearm to the chest and then hit the overhead somersault into a forearm smash although the forearm smash looked scrappy as Perfect clearly didn't spot his landing very well. Next into the match was The Red Hot Redneck who teamed up with Mr Not-So Perfect against The Winner, they worked him over for a short while before the next entrant who was Rodzilla (unashamedly billing him from "Parts Unknown") who made the save on Winner from the doubleteam beatdown of Perfect & Redneck.

Everybody was beating everyone else down but it turned into a Team Beefcake vs Team Nasty face off until we got the next entrant in the shape of One Mean Bean. Bean came in splashing Winner into Perfect and Rodzilla into the Redneck. Bean sent Perfect to the ropes but he managed to roll back in under the bottom rope, Rodzilla then got Bean's attention after a slap to the back of the head. The 2 biggest men faced each other down and Rodzilla went for the eyerake and Bean sold it well, also really selling a hard looking kick to the midsection. Everyone else came in joining Rodzilla hitting Bean with forearm smashes aplenty, everyone then piled on top in an attempt to pin him (so yet another variation to standard Battle Royal rules then?) but Bean used his sheer mass and strength to kick out.

Eventually with everyone working together One Mean Bean was first to be sent over the top rope and eliminated. Rodzilla duked it out with the Redneck & The Winner was fighting with Perfect in opposite corners. Winner tried to establish a team with Rodzilla only to be sent into the ropes for a clothesline, the Redneck hit Rodzilla with a nice double axehandle to the head then a series of midsection kicks. Perfect hit a well measured sunset flip on The Winner to eliminate him using the finishing move option, as Winner was hitting Rodzilla its hard to telll if Rodzilla actually injured Redneck for real (As when Bridges hit Rodman his head whiplashed back and caught Trishelle in the face), the ref did go and check on her.

This may have been part of the gimmick as Perfect was trying to send Rodzilla over the top when he used his strength putting Perfect over the top rope to the apron. Perfect grabbed Rodzilla's arm, the Redneck grabbed Rodzilla by the leg sending him over and Rodzilla took Mr Not So Perfect with him leaving The Red Hot Redneck as this weeks match winner.

I think Bischoff's comments about Dustin Diamond having plateaued out were unfair, he pulls his weight and works pretty hard. Danny Bonneduche is eliminated from this weeks show, its not undeserved as he wasn't giving the show his full attention what with still doing his radio show and missing half the training. As good a performer as he was he just wasn't willing to listen or do moves the way he was taught.