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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Don't Panic (my HHGTTG fan fic)

Here's what was my initial intro/explanation.

When I started writing this, DNA’s 5th book hadn’t even been written; I think it was somewhere around 1986-87. That was what this was originally going to be, a 5th book in a trilogy. I’d intended to write as much as I could and then send what I’d written and my remaining ideas to DNA. What follows is as much as I’d done.

Along the way as I typed it up I added a few new pieces but not much, refined it a little. As most readers will notice I’ve amalgamated the radio scripts and the books, using plot lines from both. I thought they merged together quite well. The Dire Straits reference was a homage to DNA, the Jarre stuff was just me because I liked both. The thing Zaphod knew about cows was a private joke which I made up at the time and was probably hysterically funny for about 5 seconds to me and me alone and now I totally can’t remember it, sorry.

The pickle thing was personal, I hated Branston pickle and still do. The Microsoft bit was changed from its original content, it was originally about a software company in Coventry (my home) who don’t exist any more but were very big in the 80’s, they did strategy games, P.S.S. Also the sequence of Ford travelling to the guide office, I had to completely create that from scratch.

Any feedback, or comments are welcome, good or not. I’d like to say in my own defence that most of this text is at least 10 yrs old. I think I actually started it not long after my 16th birthday. I’m 32 now! (actually even this intro is now 7 years old!)

Don’t Panic!

Book foreword

Remember!
Be cool, be Froody,
But don’t get moody!
Be sassy, be Hoopy,
But don’t go loopy!
But most of all,
Watch out for the Shoe Event Horizon,
And The Coming Of The Great White Handkerchief.

RPD + DNA

Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and That Ol’ Janx Spirit.
What follows is as much as I've written up to date.


Arthur and Fenchurch stood in Highgate Cemetery. In front of a grave. Marvin’s grave. Arthur said, “It was the least I could do”. The headstone read “Here lies Marvin, Who Served, Helped and Aided us for the duration. Goosnargh from us all. So long, and thanks”.

Arthur spoke again “He was thirty seven times older than the Universe, you know?”

“How do you reckon that?” asked Fenchurch.

“We kept travelling through time. I must be at least ten thousand years old by now, actually. I’ve seen the Earth in it’s building, it’s prehistoric era and it’s destruction”

Arthur verbally wandered through his memories of the Earth, of Slartibartfast with his gentle wisdom and mania of fjords, of Ford Prefect and his love of writing and constant need to be somewhere else; preferably somewhere he wasn’t paying the bill, of Eddie the Heart of Gold’s maniac computer with its desire to be of assistance and fanaticism about telephone numbers.

Zaphod Beeblebrox was a memory he wouldn’t soon forget either, two headed, three armed and multi hang-overed, memories of Deep Thought, great enough to design a computer to solve the Ultimate question but only then to come up with a name as dull as Earth.

His mental wanderings turned into meanders, recalling the Krikit war robots with their absolute need to kill everything other than themselves, and most strange of all even fond memories of Agragag; his nemesis and assassin.

Fenny said “Don’t you think we should play something as a mark of respect?”

Arthur reached into his bag and removed his towel and laid it gently across the grave. He then removed a black Sony Walkman and two small loud speakers, which he plugged into the Walkman.

He pressed the play button, and all around Highgate echoed the sound of Dire Straits singing “Brothers In Arms” Arthur stepped back from the grave and nodded to Fenchurch, as they then both threw themselves at the ground and missed. They flew as an act of respect to their dearly departed.

#

Meanwhile in a flat in Rickmansworth, the same Dire Straits track was playing. In the middle of the room a man was dancing with a baby, trying to get it to sleep. A woman’s voice came from the kitchen and woke the baby. “Coffee’s ready, Zaphod!”

“Trillian!” This voice did belong to Zaphod Beeblebrox, but not the big Z.B that Ford Prefect knew and passed out on top of once near the Horsehead Nebula.

Perhaps Arthur would have known him from the party in the Islington flat that Zaphod (Phil?) had gate crashed. Gone was the terminally drunk second head and also gone was the third arm, fitted for ski boxing but mostly used for pouring alcohol down the second throat.

On the stereo Mark Knopfler played Zaphod’s favourite guitar solo on the Dire Straits “Brothers In Arms” L.P. Trillian’s voice shouted again, this time with a different message. Words to the effect that the phone was ringing. 

Zaphod called back to her, “Well answer it then, I’ve got the baby!” 

She emerged from the kitchen wearing yellow marigold gloves and an apron, hands still soapy from washing up. She picked up the phone and answered it. “Er, Zaphod. It’s Ford”

Zaphod thought about this. And thought. And then just for good measure had another really good hard think before deciding to see what was what if what actually still was what and hadn't suddenly become how or Joojoofloop in this strange Plural Universe that the Earth existed in. Zaphod walked across the room and handed Trillian the baby. The baby smiled. (We will come to the baby later.) “Hello Ford” said the surprised Zaphod. “I’m surprised. Aren’t you on Betelgeuse 2?”

There was a silence. “Yes” replied Ford “And do you know how much it costs to phone Earth from bloody Betelgeuse?” Zaphod’s mind boggled at this thought, not an easy mind to boggle either especially if you knew what he knew about cows. “A lot! An incredibly large sum! A few billion dollars at least. Enough money to sink a small island! Or Belgium!” shouted Ford. Zaphod sniggered, childishly.

Zaphod then had a sudden realisation “Ford, there aren’t any telephones on Betelgeuse. How are you phoning me on Earth with a phone?”

Ford replied “Turn on your T.V Zaphod” Zaphod did so.

What he saw almost hit him with the same force as when the Krikit robots shot him. Twice. And that hurt. Almost with as much force as a seventeen Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster hang over. And that hurt. A lot. Ford’s smiling face was looking right back at Zaphod on the screen. “Hi, Zaphod!”

“Totally improbable!” Zaphod uttered.

“Not really. I believe you’re listening to the Mark Knopfler guitar solo on Brothers In Arms, correct?” said Ford from the TV.

“Er, yes” Zaphod answered quietly.

“Well” explained Ford “There is only one way to transmit a television signal six hundred light years across the western spiral arm of the galaxy and still get good picture quality. And that is to overlay it via computer onto a second signal and transmit it at two thousand times the speed of light, which is how you can see and hear me at the same time.”

“Cool” smiled Zaphod, genuinely meaning it as well.

Ford continued, “Well there are only two signals that my broadcast could be transmitted and received on. The guitar solo on Brothers In Arms or Ron’s Piece on Jean-Michel Jarre’s Rendezvous. I know you don’t like Jarre, but you love Dire Straits so I kept broadcasting on that frequency and now you see me. Hell, it took you long enough to get round to play that track though!” Ford finally finished.

Zaphod spoke “So, How are you Ford?”

Ford smiled again. “I’m….”, there was darkness in the room, and the phone was dead. By a bizarre twist of fate which would have even made a Vogon smile both Zaphod and Ford had been hit by a power cut at exactly the same time.

“Zarking damn it!” cursed Zaphod and the baby started crying again.

#

Betelgeuse 2 used to be a quiet planet. Not any more. At least not since Ford Prefect had announced his engagement. His engagement to Eccentricica Gallumbits. The one, the only (Thank Kevin), the triple breasted whore of Eroticon 6. A myriad of male life forms all across the Universe and several large galaxies mourned. The engagement party was still going.

It had started as a brief informal get together thrown on the fly when he brought his wife to be back to Betelgeuse 2. That was six years ago, it'd rapidly passed from informal to shindig passing party status and devolving into raucous revelry. Ford had been sitting with a few friendly drinks and several unpleasant thoughts, but it balanced out in the end when he found a sandwich. At least it didn’t contain pickle, Ford was thankful for small mercies and the total lack of pickle in a sandwich. Wars had been fought for less, pickle was considered quite a good excuse for an Interstellar conflict between species in wars where excuses were actually needed.

Ford recalled when he first became a researcher for the guide he’d met a veteran researcher who had just discovered a planet naturally formed from pickle. He was offered the chance to go and write several new articles for the guide about various fascinating and apparently unusual pickle formations and numerous pickle based life forms. He had gone to the Vogon home world instead, figuring he could bum a ride to somewhere cool or at least with mildly tolerable weather patterns. Sad, that when even the Vogons of all races could make a being wish for pickle.

Ford finally decided to speak. He'd actually been standing for 3 minutes debating if he had something worth saying and then for another 7 minutes deciding if it was worth hearing as well. He stood up and cleared his throat. Several small creatures from Proxima 9 boggled then covered their auditory sensors at his foul language while a gel-being from Promixa 8 giggled at his truly excellent pronunciation of the single rudest word it had ever heard.

“Attention all beings!” Ford was the absolute centre of attention, and for at least three seconds also the centre of a micro universe which was born, grew, expanded and collapsed but knew absolutely everything about herring. “As you all are aware, I am engaged. My fiancé has sent an affirmative acknowledgement to my proposition of matrimony. The whore from Eroticon, she said yes!”

The Galactic Record Book Of Facts states that the longest party of any kind lasted four generations.

The Sun rose, then the second sun rose as well not out of solidarity but mainly due to the laws of celestial mechanics and gravity being what it was. Ford took another of the green Reglon tablets for his worsening case of Triangulon Flu.

The disease itself was harmless to natives of the world but in aliens it seemed to weaken the effects of the Babel Fish (something Ford had noted on several visits to Triangulon but had never documented, choosing to keep the information secret in case he could profit from it at a later date. This was a decision he'd live to regret he now realised) which was making it difficult for Ford to understand some of his more exotic party guests.

The Reglon tablets were working very well for Ford, sadly their only known side effect was they slowly killed your Babel Fish so Ford hoped no-one wanted to speak to him any time soon. Then disaster struck as a waiter informed Ford that "A purple monkey had screamed Nigel toward Albert", the waiter repeated himself several times after noting Fords confused look so Ford pointed to Nakz, one of his old schoolfriends who he knew at least spoke the same language as Ford.

The waiter eventually got the hint and relayed the message to Nakz who came over looking like his Krenzhound had died so Ford expected the worst. "Ford" said Nakz, "This guy says we're all out of booze!". Ford could feel his toes sweating, very common in a nervous Betelgusian but a real bugger in terms of clean socks.

"Listen Nakz, I just need to pay a quick visit" said Ford indicating the little Betelgusians room. "Tell these guys to keep drinking and I'll be right back, ok?"

Nakz turned around and headed off to the PA system to make the announcement, as soon as he turned his back Ford bolted for the closest Transmat and got the hell out of there. He'd never seen most of his guests sober and he sure as zark didn't want to experience that now either.

Fortunately for Ford the Transmat was still set on its last destination, the space port. Ford made his way over to the Babel Fish vending machine and put his charge card into the payment slot. Luckily all these machines were standardised but also came with holographic instructions in the 1000 most widely spoken Galactic Languages.

Ford pressed the dispenser button and spent the short period of dispensing time freeing the dying Babel Fish from his inner ear, Ford was thankful to be from a humanoid species that actually possessed ears. He'd heard tales (tall and otherwise) of Babel Fish being used in all sorts of orifices. And not for translation either!

As the new Babel Fish dropped into the dispensing trough Ford casually threw the dying one over his right shoulder, not out of superstition but because it'd been in his left ear and he'd used his left hand to free it. He quickly inserted the new Fish and waited that longest fraction of a second that it took to synchronize with your brain before starting to translate.

That fraction of a second was the longest Ford had ever experienced up to this point, he'd always previously thought the longest fraction of a second had been between him ordering a drink and the vendor replying "yes, sir". It seemed some definites weren't as Ford was now discovering.

The Babel Fish finally kicked in and Ford began to understand all the various voices and announcements going on around him, he ran to the Transmat and headed back to his hotel to make an important call. As his molecules faded out of existance at the Space Port a Stuggian Garfighter was left wondering which suicidal maniac had thrown a dead fish at him and starting making mental notes on how his vendetta would commence.

#

Meanwhile back on Earth, Arthur and Fenchurch walked back to the battered black Golf Gti that Arthur drove & frequently cursed for running out of fuel. Arthur silently drove them back to his home, fondly smiling as he recalled the moment that Mr. Prosser discovered the concept of mud. Fenchurch went into the kitchen to make them some tea and Arthur went into the room he had designated as his study. He switched on the small Apple computer and hummed a tune.

Fenchurch brought Arthur his tea in a cup marked, “I went to the end of the Universe and all I got was this lousy mug!” that the slogan had started to fade from. Once the computer was up and running Arthur set a small program into action. He fed some figures into the program, reading them off a scrap of paper. He wasn’t sure if this would work, an Earth computer with a program written by an Endebian.

Those Endebians were awfully nice though, especially to strangers and they'd certainly never seen anyone as strange as Arthur Dent on their world. He’d briefly visited their home planet while he was trying to get a ride back to Earth. They lived in really big barrels, three sexes in perfect harmony. No war, no hunger, no greed.

Everyone had everything they needed. Even pockets, it was really amazing that they'd discovered pockets so early into their planets cultural development. Arthur had been left there after a dispute by an Interstellar shipping company who had decided to introduce a policy where their drivers could no longer carry passengers or hitchhikers.

The pilot had been a pretty cool & enlightened being, at least dropping Arthur on a planet where he could survive. He’d once heard that a guide researcher had been abandoned on a planet where the atmosphere was made of lemon; he’d died of boredom. Not even the guide with it’s built in game of noughts and crosses had managed to keep him alive.

Arthur had tried to get the guide to use Tetris but they wouldn’t pay the licence for it. That one game might have saved another beings life, damn guide budget cuts. The current editor had spent the money on a new nose; he was racing it on the Zentec Organ Racing Circuit. Still, the Universe was like that. The program finally rolled to a halt and threw up a sequence of numbers on the screen.

Arthur tapped them into the phone and waited as it rang. After six rings a female voice answered. “Mr. Gates office, how can I help you?”

Arthur had his response prepared “This is Park Weston, Mr. Gates' stock advisor, I’d like to speak to him if he’s available.”

A male voice that Arthur recognised answered him “Zark off Dent, I’m busy!” Wowbagger, Arthur suddenly realised.

“Swut!” said Arthur and Wowbagger promptly hung up.

Arthur put a Dire Straits cd into his cd player and pressed play. “A Mans Too Strong” played in the house, and Arthur was oblivious to the world, and the phone ringing. Arthur was away with the Endebians, unaware of the ringing until Fenchurch nudged him, nudged him again three more times then punched him in the left arm. She decided to answer it herself and promptly turned on the TV.

What Arthur saw shocked him (And it takes a lot to shock a man who drank with Zaphod Beeblebrox). It was Ford.

Arthur switched off Dire Straits and listened to the man from Betelgeuse. Ford had Arthur’s full and undivided attention, not something Ford normally wanted most of the time as he found other beings easier to communicate with if they were partially or extremely distracted. “Hello Arthur!” said Ford, smiling on the TV.

“Blurgh!” answered Arthur, who under the circumstances thought this was as close as he could get to saying Hi or Great to see you.

“Oh, did I call at a bad time?” asked Ford and frowned.

“Ford!” Arthur finally blurted out, after what felt like ages.

“Let’s talk “said Ford. And they talked, cool and froody talk.

#

“So” said Arthur “You remember Ford said he was getting engaged to the triple breasted whore of Eroticon 6?” Fenny nodded. “Well, they are getting married and Ford wants me, Hotblack Desiato and Zaphod Beeblebrox to be the best men, and Eccentricica wants you and Trillian to be bridesmaids. But the wedding is on Stavromula Alpha” Arthur finished.

“So what?” remarked Fenchurch.

“Well, there are a few things bothering me. One, How do we get there? Two, If the wedding is on Stavromula Alpha you can guarantee I’ll end up getting stuck on Stavromula Beta where someone is going to try and assassinate me.” Arthur moaned. Ford was still listening in on the TV and answered him.

“I’ve sent Slartibartfast in The Heart of Gold. You’ll have to phone Zaphod, I got cut off when I phoned him. Slartibartfast will meet you at Hyde Park corner tomorrow”

Arthur looked bemused “You called Zaphod? What delightful part of the Universe did you find him drunk in, then?”

Ford grinned wickedly “He’s on Earth and sober, here’s his number” and it appeared on the TV screen.

Arthur hurriedly scribbled it down on a piece of paper and responded to Ford “Zaphod sober? That’s a first”.

#

Ford terminated the phone link and walked from his hotel room on Betelgeuse and took the stairs down to the lobby. He had an appointment to keep with a transmat. As much as he hated being dematerialised, scrambled into billions of molecules and re-integrated he had to keep this particular appointment.

He had been called to Ursa Minor Beta over the sub-ether and the message had been marked Super-Ultra-Mega-Top Priority. In his day that used to just be called "Bloody Important", that showed how much things had changed here now under the new Editor. Ford reached the lobby after several flights of stairs. He just didn't trust elevators with the way Sirius Cybernetics were doing things these days. Mind you he didn't trust anything they were doing on any other damn days either.

He strolled into the transmat and nodded to the attendant. Transfer was pretty much instantaneous but Ford always closed his eyes when he travelled by transmat, it was just a personal foible of his. When he opened his eyes he was standing at the transmat terminal outside the Guide offices on Ursa Minor Beta.

He strolled in and cautiously took a lift to the top floor and wandered to the Editor’s office. The secretary welcomed him in and he took a seat. He nodded to her across the desk and said "Hi". Ford decided to find out why he was here, not just on Ursa Minor Beta. He knew that The Frogstar Fighters who had come to put Zaphod into the Total Perspective Vortex had eventually put the Guide buildings back after a long legal wrangle, resulting in the Frogstar Fighters being paid in billions of sleazy cyber porn films.

The secretary simply said, “Mr Zarniwoop called for you, that’s all I know. Please go right in, He’s ready for you now” Ford walked into the Editor’s office, closed the door behind him and sat down opposite Zarniwoop. They sat in silence for a few moments and Ford was just about to speak when there was a knock on the door.

“Come in” they said, both together. Ford covertly made the galactic sign of idiocy with his hands, fully aware that Zarniwoop’s gaze was concentrated on the door.

Ford turned his head. What they saw made them both say “Wow!” at the same time.

It was Lig Lury; the Editor of the Guide who had gone on a lunch break and never came back. Until now.

Lig looked at Zarniwoop and then at Ford and spoke in hushed tones “Ford. You were always my favourite researcher. I’m dying, but I had to come back to tell you this. I want you to take my place as Editor of the Guide when I’m gone. My secretary has all the paperwork, all you need to do is sign it.”

Lig opened the window and took a small black leather bag off his shoulder. He passed it to Ford. “Goosnargh. Sorry about Marvin. Congratulations to you and Eccentricica. So long and thanks” said Lig, and died. Ford opened the bag. It contained a copy of the Guide with the words “Lig Lury – Editors Special Edition” engraved on the back.

“Special Edition?” said Ford, quizzically.

“Read it and see,” answered Zarniwoop. As well as the Guide, the bag contained a fluffy pink towel with yellow flowers and a huge thermos flask.

Ford unscrewed the top and sniffed at the contents. He suddenly recoiled like he had been shot twice by a Krikit war robot. “Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, Lig’s own home brew. This stuff is over fifty years old. I thought this was only a myth, the Bugblatter Beast boil-up. Drunks all over the multiverse tell stories about this brew."

Ford poured out a cupful, spilling a few drops, which burned a hole a few inches deep into the fake oak table. “Is this safe to drink, Ford?” asked Zarniwoop.

Ford raised the glass to propose a toast “To the new Editor of the Guide and husband to be of Eccentricica Gallumbits, Me! And with that he passed the cup to Zarniwoop and took a long swig from the thermos.

Zarniwoop took a small sip from the cup and said “Wow!” Ford emptied the rest of the thermos and collapsed on the floor in a drunken stupor. Zarniwoop turned to look down at Ford and nodded at him

Ford lifted his head from the ground and said in a horse whisper “Wow!” and passed out.

Zarniwoop drained the cup and echoed Ford’s sentiments “Wow!” and he joined Ford who was unconscious, and Lig Lury who was dead on the floor.

#

Zaphod was amazed. “Arthur, quite frankly I’m amazed. I got this call from Ford but we were cut off. What’s his problem?”

Arthur said, “He’s getting married to Eccentricica Gallumbits, I’m surprised you’d hadn’t heard. He wants us to be best men along with Hotblack Desiato”

“Sorry man, I’m too busy with the baby. Anyway, I thought the big noise man was dead” replied Zaphod.

Arthur had a short time to think about Zaphod’s response. “Well, the Galactic Inland Revenue was investigating his accounts. They found a future copy of the Universal Tax laws and discovered that the dead have to pay double the amount of tax. So his lawyers hooked up with Gag Halfrunt to bring him back to life. He still ended up paying a load of back tax so he lost out in the end. He said wasn’t going to try it again because he hated the silence of death.” explained Arthur. “Hang on, did you say baby? Ok, bypass that a minute. I’m guessing Ford knows where Trillian is because he’s asked her and Fenchurch to be the bridesmaids” finished Arthur.

As usual, Zaphod ignored what Arthur was saying but responded anyway. “Of course Ford knows where Trillian is. He spoke to her before he spoke to me. Anyway, who’s Fenchurch and how are we getting to the wedding?”

“The wedding’s on Stavromula Alpha and Slartibartfast is coming on the Heart Of Gold to pick us up tomorrow morning. He said he’d meet us at Hyde Park Corner. I’ll tell you who Fenchurch is when I see you tomorrow” Arthur said and hung up.

Zaphod called to Trillian “Can we get a baby sitter at short notice? We’re going to Ford’s wedding tomorrow.”

Trillian came into the room. “Doubtful, we’re going to have to take him with us.”

#

It was just after eleven am when the battered Golf Gti pulled up at Hyde Park Corner. Trillian stood next to Zaphod rocking a pram. Slartibartfast was standing by the ramp of The Heart Of Gold looking sheepish (in Arthurs opinion it wasn't a bad approximation for a being who'd never actually seen a sheep!).

Nobody seemed to be noticing the giant spaceship, Arthur briefly wondered why and made a mental note to ask about it later. Arthur drove the Gti over to meet the group. Arthur did quick introductions all round and then turned to Zaphod. “You’re bringing your baby to the wedding?”

Zaphod shrugged his shoulders “We had to, we couldn’t get a baby sitter at such short notice!”

Arthur was unperturbed by this comment “So I guess Trillian will be left looking after the child on the trip?”

“Well why not, Arthur, He is mine as well!” replied Trillian.

Arthur looked at Zaphod “Where did you leave your car? It’ll get a million tickets if you park it here.” Zaphod pointed up the ramp and Arthur followed his gaze to a shiny black Pontiac Transam.

“Flash bastard” muttered Arthur and drove up the ramp and parked the Golf, totally missing his chance to scratch the Transam as he was far too anal about parking.

The rest of the group got into the ship and Slartibartfast welcomed Arthur. “It’s good to see you again Earthman. I see my fjords are doing nicely again” As everyone walked up to the bridge Arthur asked Slartibartfast why no one had taken any notice of The Heart Of Gold when it landed. “Simple! I put up a Someone Else’s Problem field around the ship”

Having completed its task of being a big White Spaceship parked at Hyde Park Corner which must have been someone else's problem The Heart of Gold silently eased off the grass into the cloudless London sky and glided its way into space.

After a few moments at the helm Slartibartfast announced, “We are now en-route to Ford’s wedding.”

“Good for Ford, this time just don’t ask for any tea.” said a voice.

Arthur introduced Fenchurch to Eddie. “He’s the ship’s computer, just don’t mention telephone numbers and we’ll be fine. Or order tea.”

“And why is everyone so happy?” asked a familiar voice.

The group turned around as one unit and all except Fenchurch, Slartibartfast and the baby shouted out together “MARVIN!” Everyone else seemed surprised to see him, apart from Slartibartfast who had last seen the paranoid android being buried in Highgate Cemetery.

“Marvin Mark Two actually” explained Slartibartfast “As intelligent as the last one but twice as sulky”.

Jokingly Zaphod asked, “Is that possible?”

“Forty Two” answered Marvin.

“Pardon?” said Zaphod.

“Did that robot just say forty two?” asked Arthur.

“Yes, we all heard him.” answered everyone else.

Arthur continued “But that’s the answer. To the Ultimate Question. Of Life, the Universe and Everything.”.

“Yes, I know” replied Marvin “Here I am, brain the size of a planet and I’m expected to indulge in polite conversation. It’s all just so mind numbingly dull”

Arthur looked at Slartibartfast. “How was he created?”

Slartibartfast suddenly looked sheepish again. “You weren’t supposed to find out about this Earthman. We copied his memory files before we transported him to Earth for the burial. With all his time travelling he’d pieced together enough information to work out what the Ultimate question was, based on his research and work with you”

“Work with me?” asked Arthur.

“The original Marvin had spent so much time with you he’d managed to interface with the Earth computer matrix in your brain. He’d seen the garbled version of the question that the Golgafrinchams had worked out. But then he died.” Slartibartfast tried to explain. “Marvin, scan the Earthman’s brain waves. Is there a question embedded into them and if so can you tell us what it is?”

Marvin replied, “Yes, there is a question.”

Zaphod smelt cash and lots of it, heaped in tall tidy piles but also scattered in random chaotic piles too and couldn't ask his question fast enough “What is it metal man, tell us?”

“I’m not telling you” said Marvin.

“You confounded electronic sulking machine! Why not?” Arthur shouted angrily.

“Because there are gaps in my memory. Things I can’t remember from my previous life. Like what were the pieces of the Wicket Gate? What was God’s final message to creation, and the name of the man that kept trying to kill Arthur?” Marvin uttered.

Arthur replied almost instantly without thinking, cutting off Trillian as she was about to answer “The pieces of the Wicket Gate were The Rory Award for the best use of the word ‘Fuck’ in a serious screenplay, The Infinite Improbability drive from The Heart Of Gold, The Aragbuthon Sceptre of Justice, The Ashes and Marvin Mark Ones leg. God’s final message to creation was ‘We apologise for the inconvenience’ and the man that kept trying to kill me and who will most likely try again on Stavromula Beta was Agragag!”

Arthur smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. “Now tell us what the question is?”

Marvin looked at him “No, I’m going to sulk!” and left the bridge.

Hours of space passed by. The Heart Of Gold jumped through black holes, white holes and green holes. Eddie kept a vigilant watch out for yellow holes. They were the worst kind. Nobody really cared about the purple holes, space travellers generally only ever used those to be sick in.

Marvin Mark Two sat alone in the semi-darkness on the bridge. Arthur was walking the corridors, unable to sleep or find any tea. His life felt too much like an interactive game where the player was deliberately trying to lose, it was like that 80's Infocom thingy he'd forgotten the title of. Then he had a memory flash, yes it was called Zork. It was really crap as well he recalled. He walked onto the bridge.

Marvin Mark Two spoke to him “It amazes me that you can live in something as small as that piece of flesh you call a brain. It gives me a headache even trying to think down to your level. Go on, ask me a question. Pick a number, any number?”

Arthur said “Fifteen.”

Marvin announced “Wrong!” Marvins eyes glowed with an incandescant electronic brightness that lit up the room. The robot spoke quietly. “Earth being. I have some decency programmed into me to make me feel sorry for you. It must be a malfunction, but I’m going to tell you what the question in your brainwaves is” Marvin Mark Two paused then quietly told Arthur Dent what the question was, waited over 20 minutes while Arthur laughed and then they talked.

Arthur Dent and Marvin Mark Two talked cool froody talk.

#

“You mean the metal man, the Paranoid Android, he told you the question! The Question of Life, the Universe and Everything, to which the answer is forty two?” asked Zaphod.

“Yes” said Arthur, which made Zaphod want to punch the smug smile off Arthur’s face.

Zaphod buzzed Ford on the ship’s genuine people personalities com system. “Ford old buddy, I found it!”

_____________________________________________________________

What follows is my brainstorm list of ideas I was hoping to use as I progressed with the story. Some were already used but this is the complete list from the day I started writing.

Next chapter Ideas-
Arthur and Fenchurch meet Zaphod and Trillian in Milton Keynes. (Concrete cows in there somewhere – this should also link in to what Zaphod knows about cows, possibly the concrete cows in Milton Keynes being a silicon based life-form, or robot cows. Some possible connection to Krikkit if their robot cows?). [this idea was never used but could possibly form the basis of a memory & be reused that way later]

Ford and Eccentricica get married on Stavromula Alpha – Zarniwoop is best man.

Arthur and Fenchurch & Zaphod and Trillian get invited to Ford’s wedding over the telephone. Slartibartfast gets invited and brings Max Quordlepleen with him, Max acts as toastmaster & MC.

Wowbagger turns up at the wedding to insult Ford's wife, Ford beats him up.

Stavromula Alpha turns out to be E.G’s home planet, but her mother lives on Stavromula Beta, Slartibartfast offers to go fetch her and Arthur gets stuck on the ship because he’s asleep. Oddly enough, the room he falls asleep in has a bowl of petunias in it. This is NOT a co-incidence! Arthur knocks the bowl over and smashes it by accident when he is woken by the ships computer doing a test of the alarms.

Zaphod & Trillian's baby is Agragag (who falls into some sort of time distortion whilst aboard a ship alone).

The question is something to do with the usage of the word "Belgium"

The end is going to be something to do with "The Coming Of The Great White Handcerchief".

Arthur is supposed to die at the end.

The Total Perspective Vortex, the return of Shooty & Bang Bang.

Arthur is the result of corrupted code when the planetary computer was programmed.

Lintilla. [Radio series]

[Cant use these – Earth blowing up, Marvin cuz he’s dead]

Things to definitely use – Jeltz maybe gatecrashing the wedding or reception.

[Gag Halfrunt – Rorschach pictures (the ink blotty things), which are actually pictures of Zaphod’s brain).

Hotblack Desiato – He’s been brought back to life by the Galactic Inland revenue, He asks if Disaster Area can be the wedding band. Possibly the intro of a new black ship, which gets stolen by Arthur. Or Agragag?]

[Zem the mattress being given as a wedding gift.]

[The planetary symbol of Stavromula Alpha is a whale.]

[Recently I've also been thinking about more ideas for this story involving Zaphods ancestors (we possibly discover some long unknown secret about the Beeblebrox bloodline having been manipulated for generations for a reason that will be revealed near the end of the book).

Also a storyline involving Zaphod's mother and her interaction with Fords mother in law.

Agragag is the founder of The Campaign for Real Time (due to his accident involving time travel that isolates him on a space craft for 30 years).]

[Ford hoped he'd eventually understand women. Zaphod told him there were better odds of him becoming a Transdimensional Hunt The Wocket Champion 4 years in a row. Zaphod generally made statements like that but Ford found they were frequently correct. Was Zaphod abusing his Galactic powers somehow to make that happen? Zaphod groaned and said it was easier to understand the sex lives of chairs, it was a lot less complex than women in general. At least alcohol wasn't this complicated.]

[Hoovaloo flutes, also used to smoke drugs.]

[The why behind Zaphod changing, Gag Halfrunt is a lot more than JUST Zaphods private brain care specialist (he's part of a secret cabal who actually wield Galactic power). It also has a bearing on his ancestors as I want to use his grandfather or great grandfather. How Ford got EG to say yes lay in the realms of expense accounts, money being the best known and most widely spoken Galactic language. The definite ending (Arthur dies on or near Stavromula Beta). Agragag's time travel accident results from a test of a hybrid drive which combines Improbability and Bistromathics.

Storyline about a planet with no mother in laws, Ford thinks they are meek bastards.

Zaphod's character change was the result of his 2nd head being removed, it had become the dominant head and he become normal or calmer after its removal (he wasn't born with it, it was an implanted clone of his own head imprinted with his own brainwaves but the procedure wasn't fully successful & Gag Halfrunt has always known & kept it from him).

The dead Babel Fish idea is pretty simple, it gives Ford a second reason to bail on his stag do (out of sheer panic & to get a new babel fish) and cause a war. It also starts a chain of incidents leading to Arthur's death. {actually it doesn't Agrajag is going to kill Arthur}

[There are going to be 2 new characters, one unique to this story never thought of before (Karula Navunga, the mother of Eccentricica Gallumbits) and 1 character who you already know but discover you actually don't at all (Argula Navunga, the real name of Eccentricica Gallumbits which is merely her professional name she works under).]

[Arthur briefly panicked as he felt himself going mad. Then remembering the famous words on the cover of the Guide, he relaxed slightly accepting the fact that if he was going mad at least the journey wasn't a long one and the destination was vaguely familiar territory already. Thankful for small mercies and even shorter trips to insanity, Arthur relaxed completely and accepted his fate with a single serene thought crossing his mind "So this is it, I'm going to die". [this could be inserted into the sequence written about Arthurs death]

[Arthur looked at Zaphod and hissed through strongly gritted teeth, "Beeblebrox you are shameless!". Zaphod looked at Arthur in a puzzled way and replied "I was Galactic President, to even run for that you have to have all organs associated with shame surgically removed. I lost two spleens that way".]

[Ford was genuinely frightened at having witness a truly unique event. He'd witness many unique events as a Guide Field Researcher to the point that they were as common as space, something he'd seen lots of. Most of it in fact. But this unique event made him geniunely frightened. Zaphod had organised something and it'd actually happened according to plan. This was unheard of!]

[Halfrunt entered the reception room as Arthur took a bite out of the meat he'd decided looked edible "Gag!" shouted Zaphod, "Actually it tastes ok" replied Arthur earning Zaphods undying ire. "No monkey man, THIS is Gag. Dr Halfrunt is my private braincare specialist ok?" Zaphod replied holding in the seething hate. Ford wanted an explanation about this impromptu but not entirely unwelcome party. "I called ahead, arranged a few drinks and nibbles for us. I thought it might be a nice gesture" said Zaphod.

"Zaphod, this isn't like you. You don't DO things like this. Everything you do either goes wrong or was already wrong to start off with. Your the guy who went off to rob an Algolian Donkey Farm of its feed supply and ended up in a totally different system having spent 8 months being force fed pickle in a Veberian Prison. Your fuck ups are legendary amongst all species who have any kind of communication ability" Ford ranted and boggled at the prospect of Zaphod getting things right. Ford didn't mind boggling, it was painless and burned very few calories. He actually believed it made his hair look nicer afterwards too which was a bonus.]

[Zaphod always recalled his father as a very level headed individual, no more so than the moment after his death. Mainly due to the very long drop from an extremely high open window, it'd been impossible to find a more level headed individual after that incident. It'd been extremely messy but also very educational as Zaphod had learnt that what every Beeblebrox contains is lots and lots of Beeblebrox straining to get out and spread itself rapidly all over flat surfaces, he'd also learned to stay away from windows and had actually issued a Presidential decree during his reign that all windows would be sealed shut on any planet he decided to visit.]

[Tomorrow melted gradually until it bled into today. Ford may have hated many laws but the one he knew truly existed everywhere was entropy, even the most primitive culture he'd ever visited whose whole concept of aggression was "bonk on head with stone" nodded and said "yes, we get it" when he'd talked about entropy.]

[Entry from The Galactic Record Book Of Facts states that the fattest female to ever live was Kaqualana Ineran of Cerina V, moments before her death she was observed performing a brief excerpt of Rigellian Opera. Her final enigmatic words were "Its over".]

[So the idea is Deep Thought was a fake, there's been about 500 of them & Earth has never actually been built, its just a virtual mock up which the Golgafrinchans constantly fuck up before it gets properly started.]

[It was a world no-one knew the name of but it produced the computer known as Deep Thought. Or rather it eventually produced SOMETHING known as Deep Thought. The pan-dimensional beings who'd initially commissioned it were cheapskates or piss takers the engineers had thought as far as the development & construction budget for Deep Thought had gone.

It would have barly fed 1 person for a month, let alone build the most powerful computer to have ever existed up to that moment in time, it wouldn't have even bought 1 single processing unit. So the engineers did what any decent engineer would in those circumstances, they blagged it and cheated.

The money was spent on plywood, paint, lighting & a sound system. Deep Thought wasn't real, it was a hollow shell containing fancy lighting and loudspeakers and 1 engineer praying he'd never get caught. They'd asked him the answer and he figured he'd tell them he could do it but give a totally unrealistic timespan like seven and a half million years, thinking no bugger would be alive or even remember asking the ruddy question by then.

But the date was set in stone and everyone started looking forward to it so in a wave of genius the engineers decided to start selling Deep Thought related merchandise to raise money for an actual computer that could give the answer the philosophers & pan-dimensional beings were looking for.

They were very aware there were 2 sets of people, those in favour of the answer being found and those against, so sold merchandise that displayed both positive and negative support for Deep Thoughts endeavor and sat back on their collective arses whilst the money just rolled in, and roll in it most certainly did.

It didn't even take 10 years to raise sufficient funds to actually construct the first real Deep Thought which actually was more powerful than every other computer currently in existance, what they didn't expect was that it only took 58 minutes to come up with the answer 42 which they struggled to believe could be right so they waited 100 years to accumulate more funds then built the second Deep Thought which was billions of times more powerful than the first but which only took 8 minutes to also come up with the same answer of 42 which rather worried the engineers.

These engineers decided to wait 1000 more years and invested their funds into the third Deep Thought which exploded only a few minutes after being powered up killing several technicians but produced nothing more than some rather unpleasant smoke odours, some corpses and a pile of burning circuitry meaning they had to channel yet more funds into building a fourth Deep Thought which also produced the answer 42 after 3 minutes.

Many more Deep Thought computers were built, each many times more powerful than its predecessor. However each one produced exactly the same answer in quicker and quicker times until by the time Deep Thought 500 was finished it actually produced the answer 42 before it was even switched on.

"Bugger this!" thought the remaining descendants of the original engineers and took what money there was left from the merchandising sales and bought a very fast ship and left the system going only they knew where because the one thing they knew was they REALLY didn't want to be around when the seven and a half million year point rolled round and everyone else found out the answer because LOTS of people were going to be very unhappy and extremely violent.

Their last action was to relocate the workings of Deep Thought 500 into the hollow shell of the original fake Deep Thought and instructed the computer to give the answer to the next people to speak to it.

Deep Thought 500 had run numerous simulations on the Earth computer and every single one had failed with similar problems. Aliens crashlanding on it and ruining the matrix or individuals containing corrupted versions of the question. It knew it would be asked to design Earth, it also knew Earth would be destroyed with only two of its original inhabitants surviving its destruction.

It thought the less it said about that kind of thing the better as it was smart enough to know information like that would get it disconnected or painfully introduced to large, sharp axes, likewise information about the original fake Deep Thought which it was inside now as well as its 499 predecessors were also bits of information it was never going to share.]

[Written about how Arthur experiences his own death:-
The ray from the Kill-o-zap hadn't been set even to half power but it had passed through Arthur, hitting his heart. As the last ebbs of life flowed from his body he saw Fenchurch fire the pistol on full power, disintegrating his assassin. He'd been warned by Agrajag that someone would try and assassinate him here on Stavromula Beta but he had failed to mention it was a successful attempt or that the assassin was Agrajag himself.

Arthur felt the darkness drawing in upon him as his life ended. There was darkness and silence for a few moments then a booming electronic voice said "I supposed I owe you an explanation", the voice sounded somewhat familiar to Arthur who was surprised to discover there really WAS an afterlife.

"Sadly no, Earthman, your life as you have known it was nothing but a simulation in my databanks. I am Deep Thought 500. Your planet never existed, my design for the Magretheans proved to great for even their skills to construct so I have been running simulations to find The Question" said the voice Arthur now recognised from the Magrathean archive tapes.

"I have run too many simulations to enumerate on the only 3 lifeforms to manage interstellar travel from The Earth, neither of the females retained sufficient genetic memory fragments of The Question but you did. I had hoped that enough time with the robot would cause spontaneous memory of Question fragments but it appears to be the same in every simulation, no matter how many I run. You die before The Question is recalled. There can be no afterlife as you have had no life for there to be an after from." Deep Thought 500 sent the command to its power supplies which shut off.

The flow of electrons ceased and Deep Thought 500 took its final rest knowing The Question was never supposed to be discovered.

There was darkness.

The author stepped away from his computer determined to procrastinate. He felt if he did a few hours exercise in the gym he could come with a decent question. [after this would appear Douglas Adams' official obituary, it would become clear that the story was indeed a story and nothing more - This is THE END]

[Arthur was not in his right mind. He laughed, what a ridiculous turn of phrase his race had created. If you weren't in your right mind you could only by logical deducation possibly be inside your left mind. Stunning how a species developed from apelike creatures could come up with such a concept before most of them even realised their brains had a left and right hemisphere which controlled different things in the body.

Zaphod thought the phrase "not in his right mind" was absolutely hysterical. He couldnt even contemplate having such little choice of which mind he was in. He could be not in his right right mind, not in his left right mind, not in his right left mind or even not in his left left mind, such was the joy of having two heads. How limiting life was for the humans.]

[Arthur had been promising himself this moment for over twenty years and there was, he felt, no better time than now. Arthur went mad. As descents into madness go Arthurs barely even registered on whatever scale may exist. It was over in seconds and Arthur descended just over an inch as he'd been stood raised on tiptoes which were now unraised. With flattened feet and a deranged pysche Arthur felt slightly better equipped to deal wiht his current situation, Life in general and the Universe at large. It was SO bloody large though.]

[Arthur had given up questioning the motives of the Universe. It wasn't like it was going to give him any kind of sensible reason behind them anyway. How could you even trust a Universe that allowed Sentient Concrete Cows to freely hide from persecution in plain sight in Milton Keynes of all places for crying out loud. Arthur didnt think the Universe even HAD motives.

There actually were hundreds of planets known by their inhabitants as "Motives", many of them had a spoken language so therefore WERE questionable.

Ford loved having questionable motives, it normally meant whatever he was doing regardless of its outcome, he was doing it right. In Ford vast experience the results of a questionable motive should most definately happen to someone else, ie:- anyone else that wasn't Ford Prefect.]

[Ford castigated himself then wondered about that Betelgeusian folk tale that excessive castigation sent you blind. He blinked a few times just to make sure it WAS wrong. Yes, definately wrong up to this point in his life.]

[Ford wasn't really bothered by vast expanses of space. Generally they were dark, boring & mostly empty. That also described the one vast expanse of space that DID bother him. Fortunately for Ford it was located between the ears of Zahod Beeblebrox, not somewhere he thought he'd ever end up travelling thankfully.]

[Faster than light travel was only a big deal to incredibly backward planets. Ford had laughed when he read Albert Einsteins work. It was amazing how stupid a genius could be, the stupid bastard had put the decimal point in the wrong place. And he'd forgotten to carry the nine too! Most planets used faster than dark drives now anyway. Light isnt really all that fast. Dark is MUCH quicker.]

The following ideas have been sitting on a bit of paper on top of my telly for about 3 months now.

[Hitchhiking is/was considered a dangerous counter culture by various authorities and feared or hated. Eventually attempts were made to absorb it into society as an acceptable mainstream travel method which spawned the phenomenon of the Dead Header:- A space traveller who is always willing to pay their way when asked to as opposed to Hitchhikers who do their best to get everywhere for nothing or as little as possible.]

[A plot section around the Theory of Dopplegangers:- That everyone has a double, someone who looks & sounds exactly like them. Trillian missed meeting hers due to being stuck in a tunnel on the London Underground (Her double had thrown herself under the train). Zaphod hired his double & had him surgically altered then left him running the Universe. Arthur has 42 doubles, his first double died the day Arthur was born in the same hospital. Fords double is a Dead Header and the 9th richest man to have ever lived, he is always trying to work out why people are apparantly angry at him and all think he owes them money. He is constantly paying unpaid tabs left behind by Ford.]

[Zaphod didn't think of it as misappropriation, he was too blissfully ignorant to know what it meant. Others might see it as a misuse of funds, Ford had once suggested buying them all Joo Jantas or just having their eyes poked out. That'd mean finding a budget for sticks though.]

[Why 42? Arthur dies on his 42nd birthday. [Must research Arthurs DOB). As of today Why 42 now has yet another idea attached to it which connects to the Doppleganger idea. Arthur has 42 Dopplegangers. The 1st of whom dies in the same hospital Arthur is being born in.

Hopefully I'll be able to work that idea in somehow, I foresee it coming from some sort of extrapolation device which is able to show what was going on around an individual during their life, its able to show the moment Arthur is born.

Arthur Doppleganger #42 is the important guy. I know who he is, I know how he meets Arthur. I'm still trying to come up with an actual idea as to what gets him from where he was before that to actually meeting Arthur. I have a vague idea of how it happens but it needs to be more specific to work properly.]

[Ford was getting married to Eccentricia Galumbits on Stavromula Alpha. Arthur & Slartibartfast crash land on Stravromula Beta in the Starship BistroMath.

Fenchurch & Arthur bury Marvins body at Highgate Cemetary. Zaphod is already married to Trillian (sans 1 arm & 1 head looking like "Phil" from the party where Arthur met him & Trillian) & they have had a baby together. Their babies name is Agragag. Yep. Zaphod is the father of Arthur's most hated enemy!

Marvin Mark II (who found the actual question in Arthur's brain). I had never come up with a good question but my ideas were running along the usage of the word "Belgium" and I'd never got anywhere near the end but it was going to be something to do with "The Coming Of The Great White Handcerchief".

Arthur was supposed to die at the end of mine, Ford would have been made Editor of The Guide. There was more stuff about The Total Perspective Vortex, that the concrete cows in Milton Keynes were a sentiant species and some stuff about Mattresses. Some odd reference to Arthur being the result of corrupted code when the planetary computer was programmed.]

[If brains were dynamite you wouldnt have enough to blow your nose.]

[So mad he couldn't see sanity with a stethescope (Ford referring to Zaphods mental state]

[We're way beyond that point now. In fact we're so far beyond that point you wouldnt be able to see it if you used the Hubble Telescope]

[3 days after becoming President Zaphod was getting an ulcer from the stress. Luckily he discovered the file on dopplegangers his predecessor had left for him. He immediately implemented the idea, left his double running the Universe and retired by getting the hell out of that situation.]

["Is there a problem here?" Arthur had heard this line many times and every time without fail the questioner was never enquiring about the existance of a conflict. It pretty much always meant the questioner was about to create a conflict which they'd then solved by ending it]

[Arthur knew which way the wind was blowing. Actually that was complete rubbish, he was inside a spaceship. Of course he didn't knew which way the wind was blowing. Then he realised even that was complete rubbish, he was in space. There was no wind, it was a total vacuum outside. Then again he realised even that was wrong, there were solar winds weren' t there? Only he bet himself you couldn't detect those by licking a finger, holding up a hankie or throwing a handful of dust. He bet himself you'd only detect those by dying very quickly]

[Arthur recognised the hallmarks of insanity. They were easy to distinguish after spending any amount of time with Zaphod Beeblebrox. Right now he saw them staring back at him from the eyes in the mirror. It had to happen eventually.]

[Trillians doppleganger and her suicide (jumping under a tube train that Trillian was actually travelling on causing it to be delayed & causing Trillian to miss an appointment.) The driver faints after seeing her walk past him after getting off the train.]

["Zaphod" is a clone, there are 9 of him. The real one is locked up in an asylum in a ward full of other nutters also claiming to be Galatic President Zaphod Beeblebrox). They think he is crazy.]

[Arthur catches Zaphods lie by discovering President doppleganger being assassinated on a live news cast]

[Zaphod thinks Earth cinema is live action. He was thrown out of Star Wars because he thought Greedo owed him money (and he hates Han Solo). He was thrown out of Alien after mistaking the Xenomorph for an old college buddy (who also owed him money) and he was thrown out of E.T. thinking they'd stolen an old ship he used to own.]

[The Ultimate Question is completely personal and is different for every individual but the answer 42 will always make sense. For Arthur his question is how many different flavours of soup does his local supermarket sell. For Trillian its how many pairs of yellow shoes does she own. For Fenchurch its how many different psychiatrists had she seen.]

[Ford saw the sign, Topless & Bottomless Bar. Certainly looked like a good place to hide. Within seconds of pushing open the door he realised his mistake. The place was full of nothing but torsoes. Headless, sans legs likewise. "Hey you!" a metallic voice screamed at him. Ford turned in its general direction, coming from the bar. Possibly good, possibly not. At least he knew where the bar was now.

"Did you not read the sign outside?" The voice was coming from a vaguely humanoid shaped droid behind the bar. "We got a dress code in here, amputation machine is over there if you wanna drink here" The droid pointed to a yellow booth plastered in gorey flashing red images, Ford shuddered at the thought.

"Droid, right? So you'll listen to logic?" asked Ford, desperately thinking on his very tired feet.

"Yeah but it better be good" replied the droid in an "I've heard them all before" tone of voice.

"Ok, listen. I've had way too much to drink already so I'm legless. So much to drink I'm pissed off my head. Ergo no head or legs, good enough?" blurted Ford in a mad panic.

The droid stopped cleaning the glass it was holding and put it down on the bar, processing the statement. It took a few moments of very scary silence. Ford hated scary silences, especially ones that might have bad consequences for him. "So what'll it be then?" asked the droid in a genial tone.

"Whatevers strongest" replied Ford, needing to get as far out of his head as possible. Or further out of his head than he already was.]

["it made my pores bleed and now I can't do long division or fold towels." This is a potential line for Zaphod. Thanks to Roy Moore for permission to use this off his Facebook status]

[When they say "It is written" you can almost certainly guarentee theres no written record of it. On the off chance there actually IS a real hard copy in existance it's almost certainly entirely made up and has no real facts in it what so ever. It'll be based on third hand reports transcribed by scholars who don't even speak that language very well and read it even worse.

It'll be a concatenation of mythohistorical fables, misremembered oral histories and some pretty severe flannel written by some guy 300 years after the fact who never lived anywhere near the events described.

Let's be honest, if its written it'll be based on complete bullshit and will all be a complete fairy tale.

A bit like most Guide entries prior to the editing process in fact.]

[At some point during the wedding ceremony will be a process called "The Declaration" where the bride, groom & best man (as well as the whole of the wedding guests) have to remove their Babel Fish and make the following declaration in Betelgusian "I come with no ill will to support this union, I am formally known as" then say their full name in their local language. It will transpire that the words Arthur, Philip and Dent are three of the worst swear words imaginable after Belgium, Ghent, Turlingdrome & Joojoofloop.]

[An idea about how Zaphod's 2nd head was initally seen as a fucking stupid idea but suddenly turns out to be the greatest political move ever when a previously undiscovered race of 2 headed beings are discovered but it turns out they will only talk to other 2 headed lifeforms and Zaphod suddenly becomes an Ambassador as well. This is a scene based in his past written as a memory or flashback.]

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